In Search of Peace

3.2 lbs away from losing...

2010-05-05T12:08:00.000-07:00

Your girl is doing the damn thing!

Seriously waiting for the world to change...

2010-02-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

Dear John Mayer:

fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck You! FUCK YOU!

Sincerely,
A Former Fan

The Significance of 1

2010-01-19T09:11:00.000-08:00

Finally in Onederland!!! One represents the number of pounds until my transition to Onederland will really feel official.

To date: -42.8 lbs

Dirty 30: T minus 16 days

Pray/Give/Pray/Give

2010-01-16T09:35:00.000-08:00

...the only words that seem relevant in the aftermath of Haiti's despair.

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, want you, you, you, you, you, you, you (c) E. Badu

2009-12-06T12:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not quite sure why I'm so obsessed with these True Religion Joey jeans (oh wait, they're dumb fly that's why), but all I know is that I'm dangerously close to finally fitting a pair. I'm talking, I can get them on, but I can't button them...yet! And because I got the lightnin' and thunder (no, I don't get it from my momma), the thigh area is also a bit tight. Just you wait though, I'm on that Kanye workout plan! I will comfortably rock these on my birthday, even if I have to stop eating to do it. Ok, that last part is a lie, but you get the point. I want these jeans badly. 60 days and counting. You heard it here first!

BTW: To date, I've lost 40 lbs, 26 lbs more to go!

Feeling inspired...

2009-11-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

And on that path to freedom, Harriett Tubman had one piece of advice.

If you hear the dogs, keep going.
If you see the torches in the woods, keep going.
If they're shouting after you, keep going.
Don't ever stop. Keep going.
If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.

taken from Hillary Clinton's DNC speech on 8/26/08

It's a new dawn...

2009-11-02T13:54:00.000-08:00

I did it!!! October has come and gone and I am 8 lbs lighter. Oh, yes! I might not have stuck to my manifesto as I declared at the end of September, but I dug deep and worked hard. I can now officially claim October as my biggest weight loss month.

I was so psyched about my triumph that I cleaned out my closet this weekend. Two-thirds of my wardrobe is currently folded in several neat piles (thanks mommy) on my living room floor waiting to be bagged and donated to the brown elephant.

When I noticed how much I had to give away, I'll admit, I almost couldn't believe it. Where did it all come from? How did I get so much? I realized that I had way more clothes than my daily wardrobe ever acknowledged. I remembered many a morning, tearing through my closet, angrily, bitterly, unable to find a suitable outfit for work. Getting dressed use to be such a frustrating activity because I always felt my closet was just inept. I bought and I bought and I bought, yet in the end, nothing looked right, fit right or made me feel good about myself.

On my living room floor sits nine blouses, nine skirts, six sweaters, six pairs of slacks, five dresses, five pairs of jeans, four t-shirts, three suits, three coats, and shoes. Oh, don't even get me started on the shoes. You don't even want to know that I own over 60 pairs of shoes.

Looking at the massive piles sitting on my living room floor made me a bit sad and ashamed. I mean seriously, four black dresses? It's unconscionable that I've amassed such excess.

All isn't lost though. I believe there is a lesson in all things.

Cleaning out my closet this weekend has allowed me to see myself just a little bit clearer. It exposed my tendency to overcompensate (read: over-shop) when I'm not feeling my best. Funny thing is, I never really feel any better in the end. All I've done is given myself a temporary high that my wallet and closet can't support (yes, my closet unit fell for the second time last month). The writings have been on the wall about my shopping for quite some time. I've vowed to stop filling myself (and my closet) up with stuff. I don't have to and I certainly don't need to, not anymore.

I'm finding as the weight comes off, so do the layers of the shell I've been hiding in. I'm working on me inside and outside. There are some less desirable characteristics and behaviors I need to address, but overall, I'm liking myself a lot.

So, I went shopping this weekend because I needed to add a few pieces to my now defunct wardrobe. I bought one coat, one dress, one sweater and one pair of jeans because one of each was all I truly needed. It felt good.

Incidentally, I discovered, I lost two whole dress sizes as evidenced in my new pair of jeans. I haven't seen this size since 8th grade.

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
(c) Feeling Good, Nina Simone

Full-figured dilemna...

2009-10-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

For those who know me and/or have ever seen me, you know that I have rather large boobies. For years I struggled to find the right sports bra, only to resign myself to doubling up on two of Lane Bryant's version of a sports bra. I refer to them as LB's version, because what they sell is really just a wireless, cotton/jersey blend knock off. They have the look of a sports bra, just without the support for any kind of extensive aerobic/athletic activity.

Surprising, huh? Well, it shouldn't be.

I've long been a harsh critic of LB and other like stores (ex: The Avenue, Catherine's, Ashley Stewart). In fact, I've all together stopped shopping at these stores and not just because I've lost 34.5 lbs to date (shameless plug, yes I know, but it's my blog). I've stopped shopping at these stores because I'm convinced they just don't understand full-figured bodies and are skewed in their vision of what compliments a full-figured body.

First, there is the "all or all" design of the clothing. All or all is the assumption that if you have large thighs, you automatically have wide hips, big legs and a ginormous ass accompanying it. Or similarly, if you have big boobs, you must have the shoulders of a linebacker, huge arms and a protruding gut. This isn't always the case. In fact, many of my full-figured friends and co-workers are quite shapely and well proportioned. Those same people, also don't shop at these stores for this exact reason.

Second, there is the "middle age" designs. Just because a woman isn't a size 6, doesn't mean she should like a 50-year-old size 16. I'll admit, LB and other stores have a come a long way from their late 80's, early 90's days of elastic waist pants, floral prints and primary colors suited best for the 65 and older crowd. However, they still have a distance ahead of them. I'm glad they know full-figured women aren't just grannies. Now, I need them to understand we aren't all middle-aged either.

Third, "junior plus" clothing is an abomination. There, I said it. You find junior plus designs at Ashley Stewart, Torrid and many larger department stores. I'm sorry, but the the answer to making a young full-figured woman look young and trendy, isn't to make "tween" or "teen" styles in a 14+. There is nothing worse than a 30-year-old woman looking like a plus-sized Miley Cyrus.

The state of clothing options for full-figured women is upsetting. It speaks volumes to the fashion industry's unwillingness to embrace "FAT". I'm so sick of the "pacify it with inferior clothes" mentality that underlies our clothing options. All of the statistics I've read state that over 30% of Americans are obese, over 65% of Americans are overweight and the average woman is a size 14. Why then are clothes designed with some questionable 5% in mind?

Where are the well-made clothes for full-figured women in their late 20's to early 30's; or do I have pull out my sewing machine and take a few courses?

Down one-half and not looking back

2009-10-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, I've made it to the one-half mark on my weight loss journey. I'm down 33 lbs! Only 33 lbs left to go. There really is no stopping me. I'm looking good and feeling GREAT!

I'm so on target to reach my 8-9 lbs loss for this month that all of the work I've been putting in seems effortless. October really will be my biggest weight loss month to date. I proclaimed it last month and I am claiming this month. So far, I've lost 6 lbs and still have well over a week to go before month's end.

Though I haven't been as diligent about sticking to my October Manifesto, I've definitely been careful about my diet. I've allowed myself to enjoy a few beers and a few meals out without over-indulging. And that, is a big part of what this journey has been about...learning to not over-indulge. I am so proud of myself!

One of my high school/college friends who's big into fitness has been instrumental (via email and web chat) in getting me to this next level. Her advice, support and overall encouragement got me over brief plateaus and frustrations. When we first reconnected, she told me that there would come a point when it would all be second nature to me; the exercise, the nutrition and just the general desire to be healthy. She was right. I think I've finally moved from "diet mode" to "healthy lifestyle" and now there's no turning back.

I've met and exceeded all, but one of my mini goals. I am now 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started high school. I may have been an overweight teen, but I am now on cruise control as I make my way to being a healthy adult.

October Manifesto...

2009-09-30T11:49:00.001-07:00

In keeping with my desire to make October the month that I will lose the greatest amount of weight to date, I've decided to write a brief manifesto. My goal for October is to lose 8-9 lbs, to greatly surpass my 6.8 lb August lost and my 5.2 lb September lost. I know that I can do it, but I also know that I have to make some serious changes to my diet and workout to get to the next level.

So, on this, the last day of September, I declare that during the month of October I will:

1. refrain from drinking any type of alcoholic beverage.

2. cut back on my processed sugars. (i.e. no cupcakes, cookies, brownies, chocolate, fruit juices, sodas or any other products with added sugar or sugar substitutes)

3. run at intervals twice a week, no skipping.

4. cut back eating out 6 meals a month to 4 meals for the month.

5. not weigh myself more than once a week on Tuesdays, as required by my tri-team weight loss challenge.

There you have it. It's going to be a tough month, but I am ready for the challenge.

This made my day...

2009-09-28T12:55:00.001-07:00

One-third down...

2009-09-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

It's official, I've passed the one-third mark (21.9 lbs) on my 65.8 lb weight loss journey. To date, I've lost 25.6 lbs. I'm floored by my own steady progress, but know that I've done the work. I've remained focused and determined to have success this time around and it's paying off.

As September comes to a close, my mind is already thinking about October's course of action. I'm going hard in October. My goal is to make October my biggest weight loss month. In August, I lost 6.8 lbs. So far this month, I'm down 4.6 lbs with 5 days left until month's end. My goal for October is to say goodbye to another 8-9 lbs. I've put it out there and plan to work my butt off to make it happen.

As for my mini goals. I've crossed another one off my list.

I'm only 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started college.
I now weigh .8 lbs less than I did the day I started college.

I'm only 9 lbs away from being the weight I was when I graduated from high school.
I am now 2.2 lbs away from being the weight I was the day I graduated from high school.

I'm on my way to uncharted territory, a place that I never thought I'd come close to ever again in life. In fact, I never wanted to come near this place again because of the deep embarrassment that was an open wound for a very long time. It seems so strange to type this, as I've never told anyone, and now, I'm putting it out into cyberspace.

Here goes...

When I started high school in 1994, I was 14, awkward and obviously overweight. On the very first day of my JROTC class (yes, I wanted to enlist in the army after high school) my class sergeant weighed each student in the class and announced our weight to the entire class. As the only overweight student in the class, I was mortified. I wanted to crawl under a bus and hide forever. I don't remember how I got past it, but I did. Somehow, I persevered.

Today at 29, I'm now 13.2 lbs away from being that weight again. However, the big difference this time is that I know it's only a temporary stop on much greater destination. It doesn't hold the same power over me as it once did. I'm ready to tackle it and move on.

Look out remaining 40.2 lbs. I'm in attack mode. I'm cleaning house and you don't stand a chance.

Not a good look, Serena...

2009-09-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

Though I understand Serena's frustration and I agree that the line judge's call was erroneous, she behaved badly. I was embarrassed for her. Sometimes, you just have to accept defeat graciously. Every wrong won't be made right, but throwing a tantrum, only makes it worst. Unfortunately, she was outplayed.

Birds flying high, you know how I feel...

2009-09-09T11:19:00.001-07:00

Oh yeah...

2009-09-08T07:09:00.000-07:00

At the rate of this turning into a blog documenting my weight loss (not that I really care), I just have to share some more good news.

You might remember (or just click here) for the blog I wrote on August 13; I was so excited about how close I was to reaching a set of mini goals. Well, I can proudly say, I've surpassed the first two goals on that list.

I'm only 1.2 lbs away celebrating losing 20 lbs.
To date, I've lost 23.6 lbs.

I'm only 2.8 lbs away from being the weight I was the day I graduated from college.
I'm now exactly 2.8 lbs lighter than I was when I graduated from college.

As for my other two goals:

I'm only 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started college.
I'm just 1.2 lbs away from meeting this goal.

I'm only 9 lbs away from being the weight I was when I graduated from high school.
I'm just 4.2 lbs away.

As excited as I am for my steady progress, I am even more excited that I can do things that I wasn't able to do before (or maybe was just too fearful to try). When I first embarked on this healthy lifestyle over a year ago, I joined a women's gym and became a "gym rat". I went frequently. I did simple cardio. I participated in a bunch of fitness classes. I even met with the fitness coaches for monthly assessments. Yet, I wasn't making much progress. I had no clue what I was really doing, how or why.

Back then, I was so uncomfortable in my body. You couldn't have paid me to get on a treadmill and do anything more than a brisk walk. I got frustrated easily at my lack of progress and fed up with being stalled. Eventually, I moved and just stopped going. Looking back, those two things were probably the best thing to have happened to me.

Today, I'm at a co-ed gym chock-full of athletic types, competitors, beauty queens and muscle men, yet I feel right at home getting my workout in. I joke about skinny girls getting onto treadmills next to me running for 60 minutes at a 10.0, but I'm no longer intimidated by it. I'm no longer embarrassed about what I can or can't do. I'm not worried about them. I'm focused on me and the fact that my endurance is building. I'm able to push myself to run longer and faster every week or so.

I'm running!!!!!

I feel so much better about myself and my future. Some of the muscle guys even give me head nods when they see me. I'm there...a lot :-)

I've dropped 23.6 lbs of my 65.8 lb goal. Having only 42.2 lbs to go is so surreal and motivating. Dropping the weight feels like I'm digging my way out of a tunnel. I still have quite a bit of digging to do, but I'm one-third of the way there. I can see the light at the end. Though I know the rest of the way won't be easy, I am more confident than ever before.

If there is one thing I've learned over the past 18 months it's this: sometimes the journey is just as important, if not moreso than the destination. I can't wait to reach the finish line, but I'm grateful for the changes I feel and see in myself.

It's official...

2009-09-04T12:21:00.000-07:00

my jeans are too big, every single pair. My waist doesn't look like the woman's in the picture above [yet], but my jeans have some serious saggage going on between the legs, in the rear and yes...around the waist. I worked hard for it in August, like you wouldn't believe. I clocked almost 300 cardio minutes and 90+ strength training minutes each week. I was a beast about my workouts and it paid off. I dropped 6.8 lbs and 1% body fat in August alone. And since I'm in such a braggadocios mood, trainer at the gym said to me this morning [rather emphatically, I might add] as I was busting my butt doing abdominal leg crossovers on a bosu ball [yes, they are as difficult to do as they sound] you are losing inches. Me: really? Her: Yes, around your waist [complete with wide eyes and affirmative head nod]. I grinned from ear to ear as I resolved to slay September. It's on!

Watch out bitches...I'm coming!!!!

Because I love this song...

2009-08-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

Blaque - 808 - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Sometimes, I need a reminder...

2009-08-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

The 6 stages of Change...

2009-08-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

For longer than I care to admit, I've been stuck in a valley of uncertainty. Sure, over the past 9 months, I've made great strides in my personal goals. I wanted a home, so I bought one. I wanted to lose weight, so I embarked on a healthy lifestyle and have been successful to date.

However, as satisfying as these achievements have been, I've not been able to shake the feeling that something is missing. I routinely feel a small, yet pervasive longing for "more", for "new", for "different". I bore easily! I always have and I suspect I always will. I have vague pieces of the puzzle floating in my head of what I think "more" is, but not enough pieces to see a clear image.

Over the past year or so, I've been perched firmly on the "ledge" of indecision. According to the chart above, what I've really been doing is teetering between precontemplation and contemplation, afraid to take a step forward, until this past Saturday.

On Saturday, I took one small step forward and put myself out there. I was tired of being tired. Well, yesterday, I received an email that instantly catapulted from contemplation to preparation. I'm not claiming anything yet, other than I'm glad to have stepped off the ledge. Even if this one doesn't work out, the door opened and I walked through it. There's no turning back for me, not now.

Radical change awaits me. More to come...

I'm proud to be woman!

2009-08-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

Catching up...

2009-08-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

It's been months since I blogged. I hate when I backslide on doing something I actually enjoy...writing about the ups and downs of my life. There's not much to report, other than I'm still happily on the healthy lifestyle kick.

Over the past couple of months, I've had more ups than downs with my diet and exercise and have been trucking along with great consistency. I'm happy with myself. I wish my progress was moving a little faster, but it's moving. I'm so grateful for all that I've been learning about weight loss, my personal journey and much needed lessons about patience. I love that I feel myself growing closer to the goal line each day. I know when I reach it, it's going to be the sweetest victory.

Two things have sustained me over the past couple of months. First, I've inundated myself with fitness information, websites, blogs, magazines, pictures, etc. I've even made twitter acquaintances with fitness experts. By educating myself, I stay motivated to keep on track. I make smarter decisions about exercise and definitely wiser choices about my food.

Second, I've set a range of mini goals that lets me celebrate victories more often. I no longer have to "weight" for 5 or 10 lbs losses to celebrate. Now, I can pat myself on the back every pound or two, because those losses have other significant meanings for me. More than anything, these layered goals have forced me to really challenge myself and push harder.

Since May, I've lost 8 lbs. I still have a ways to go, but with my layered goals, I'm constantly celebrate a new achievement. To date:

I'm only 1.2 lbs away celebrating losing 20 lbs.
I'm only 2.8 lbs away from being the weight I was the day I graduated from college.
I'm only 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started college.
I'm only 9 lbs away from being the weight I was when I graduated from high school.

I know this may all sound a bit silly, but just a year and half ago, weight loss seemed impossible. I was miserably overweight, bumbling around in the gym without a clue. I never thought I'd see my college weight again and I could not have imagined that I'd be less than 10 lbs away from my high school graduation weight. As someone who has eaten aimlessly and shamelessly most of my life, this is a tremendous feat.

As I reach these goals, others just like it, and even still having a great distance ahead of me, weight loss no longer feels like the unreachable reach! It's no longer some elusive tango between my brain and my actions. It's finally real! I'm looking forward to a better life. I'm pushing myself harder with every workout. I'm focused...not only on the destination, but also on the journey.

My weight may not define me, but I can define my weight. I have something to prove...TO MYSELF!

This is the Michael Jackson I choose to remember.

2009-06-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

Rest In Peace
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Been so long...

2009-06-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

I'm missin' ya baby. (c) Anita Baker

Seriously, I've been away much too long. Life has been one sweet ride over the past two months. It's been crazy busy, but admittedly, I kinda like busy. I like being engaged in stuff.

I've had some minor hiccups in the road, but what else is new? Who manages to exist without obstacles? Better yet, is a life without obstacles and setbacks a life worth living? I.M.H.O. I think not!

The house is coming along nicely. I'm on my condo board, so I am super plugged in to all that we have going on and not going on. Living cooperatively is some serious business...especially when everyone ain't cooperating. Feel me? Overall, I'm loving being a homeowner and really looking forward to seeing my neighborhood grow and thrive. We have some rough patches, unfinished developments, couple of boarded homes and looming foreclosures, but hey...we're in a recession. Times are truly tough for everyone. I hope all those who have been deeply affected by the economic downturn are prayerful and believing that their situations will only get better.

My mom is visiting me for the summer. She arrived right after mother's day and is staying through the first couple of weeks in August. At first I was real nervous about the extended stay. It's been almost 10 years since we lived under one roof for longer than two weeks. So far, we've gotten on each others' nerves, but I've realized so much in having her stay with me.
- I do love her very much.
- Though she habits that annoy the hell out of me, I enjoy her company.
- She is the most well intentioned person I know.
- I've really missed her cooking.
- She actually has a good sense of humor.
- She can organize the hell out of a home.
So, though she has weeks to go before she returns to Los Angeles, I'm certain I'll miss her when she goes.

On the health front, my hair is slowly picking back up. I had extremely low iron stores, which caused the hair loss, but am now taking iron supplements. Also, I have an endocrinology exam next month because it appears that I may have endometriosis. I have all of the symptoms and so far tests support that diagnosis, but I'll know for sure next month. I'm a little nervous about how it will all shake out, but in the grand scheme of things, I am so grateful to be alive!

I'm looking forward to July, I got so much happening next month that I'm sure the month is going to fly right by. I'm headed to Belize...finally, July 10-17. I'm going to see India Arie in concert on July 21. I'm teaching Sabbath School at my former church July 20-31. Not to mention, there's the 4th of July activities, Taste of Chicago and other festivities around the city. I can't wait!

On another note, I've been working out like crazy, trying to get right for my 30th. I'll be embarking on a new chapter in just 8 short months and I want a new me to go with it. Gone are the excuses, the unfocused effort, the get slim quick schemes and overall lack of real courage to do it. It's time to get out of this shell (literally). Last month, I got fitted for proper running shoes. All I can say is..."it's the shoes, money! It's gotta be the shoes!"(c) Spike Lee. Having the right shoes has made a world of difference in my fitness aspirations. I can run! Who would have thought? All the while I thought the foot and shin pain I was experiencing meant I simply couldn't run. Oh no, I took my running shoes right into Fleetfeet and discovered that not only were they a half size to small, but the width was also too narrow. In a 45 minute fitting, I learned more than I ever imagined about my feet! I took those new running shoes right to the lakeside and walk/jogged 3.5 miles the first day! One day soon, I'll be able to run that whole distance. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Speaking of my 30th birthday. I have something so crazy special planned for myself. I've not told anyone about it, at least not the full extent of what it entails. However, I think about almost daily. It keeps me focused and motivated beyond belief. It's something that I never thought I would do, or at least something that people who really know me would ever think I'd do. I won't be able to show the full extent of it on the blog, but in February, once it's done, I'll post a peak.

Well that's it for now! I'll check in soon.

Brief rant...

2009-04-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

One of these days, I will learn to stop expecting people to be anything other than who they are. My life is filled with family who truly love me, but are emotionally unavailable; and friends that care for me, yet are totally incapable of emotional support. Yet, at moments of despair, I turn to these people, only to be disappointed. Is that not the very essence of insanity? Sometimes, I get so worked up inside of my own thoughts and fears, that I can't talk to God and worse, can't clarity enough to hear from God. It's often a pretty lonely road.

The sun will rise soon. Too bad, I can't stay in bed until then.

Toronto...here I come!

2009-04-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love to travel. I will get my money together and plan a trip in a heart beat. Traveling is fun, educational, relaxing and exhausting all at the same time; but I love it! Every chance I get, I try to travel to some place new. There's so much world out there and so little time to see and experience it all. I've been wound so tightly the past couple of months. Between work and the new home, most days I don't know whether I'm going or coming. I need a serious break. Unfortunately, the serious break won't come until later this year. I'm thinking London, Italy, Paris or Barcelona. Europe is truly calling out to me. For now though, a couple of mini excursions will have to do. This Easter weekend, I'm headed to Toronto for an all around good time, a little spa time, a bit of tourist time and a whole lot of party time. I plan to take in as much as I can during my brief stay. So Toronto, you better not let me down!!!

Today, my heart is burdened

2009-02-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

Confused
Hurt
Empty
Anxious
Lost
Unsettled
Sad
Guilty
Tearful
Bereaved
Troubled
Numb
Heartbroken

A sixth grader at my school committed suicide last night. She was eleven.

Rest in peace baby girl.

Early morning babble

2009-02-15T02:11:00.000-08:00

It's 4 am and I can't sleep.
I hate this.
I hate those nights I watch so much darn television or play around on the internet so long that I can't fall sleep.
I have a headache.
I'm sitting in my living room half watching a Law & Order rerun that I'm sure I've seen 100 times.
I've moved from scoping furniture on every department store website to shopping for hair care products.
Ok, I really have to do something about my hair.
End of the year stress took a serious toll, coupled with my laissez-faire attitude about upkeep, I've ended up with hair looking like who shot john and why they ain't kill em. (Belizeans know about John)
It's dry.
It's brittle.
It's breaking.
It's broken!
I have to do something about it ASAP!
I discovered a video blog on YouTube called Scandalous Beauty.
The blogger documents her natural hair journey.
I've been natural for 8.5 years.
I'm so glad I found the video because she offers so many tips on how to hydrate natural hair.
She also offers PRODUCT recommendations!
I love products and I love trying out new products.
While searching for the items SB recommends, I discovered iHerb.
It's an online health store.
All of the oils and shampoos SB recommends are available at iHerb, so of course I created an account.
Too bad they don't have a full online community.
I love social networking sites.
NOTE TO SELF: STOP joining social networking sites.
I've already filled up a basket on iHerb with $40+ worth of organic shampoos, conditioners and oils.
Hopefully, I'll have better luck with these products.
While I don't want to spend the money without more than a video blog rec, I have to do something.
I tried Carol's Daughter last year and $75 later, NADA!
These products are natural, organic, blah, blah blah.
Shit better work.
I'm buying everything right on down to prenatal vitamins to aid my cause.
So not pregnant!
We shall see.
Must rest now.

V-Day

2009-02-13T14:32:00.000-08:00

Usually, I hate this day, but not so much this year and not for any particular reason other than I'm just feeling good.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Say it ain't so...

2009-02-11T11:44:00.000-08:00

I like celeb gossip as much as the next person, but this just makes me ill. We don't yet know all of the details, but I'm hoping for the best. This just

Inauguration Pictures

2009-02-06T09:18:00.000-08:00

It's Official...

2009-01-17T14:14:00.000-08:00

I have a ticket to the inauguration. I'm headed to Washington D.C. on Sunday to see President Obama sworn in. I will try to mobile blog or post photos to facebook and myspace. If not, check back next week for the scoop.

A month to the day...

2009-01-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

Hey there,

It's been a month since my last blog. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! It's 2009 and I'm so glad to be alive!!! I'm looking forward to an awesome year.

2008 was one of mixed emotions and after months of a dismal existence in that latter quarter, I made it to home on a high note. I'm moving forward into this year one step at a time. I know I won't be solely batting softballs, but I'm readying myself for fast balls and curve balls. I may have to switch hit a bit, but I plan on being ready and able. (Not sure where I got all of those baseball references?)

So much has happened in the past month that's kept me away from blogging, but I'm back and ready to divulge.

I bought a condo. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am to be in my own space. Free to be or not be and live how I please, while building a little equity in the process. The economy has been in such as slump (surely, you've not noticed *smile*) that it's a buyers market right now. I got a great deal on a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 balcony, 1 deck, separate kitchen and dining room condo with hardwood floors and an exposed brick wall. If it sounds lovely, it's because it is. I'm overjoyed to have found this place. It's a major step for me and I feel good about it--genuinely good. That said, it hasn't been without some obstacles--ups and downs along the way. You can read about those here on my second blog. I created this blog just to gush/complain/whine/muse...whatever you want to call it about my home. I'm not abandoning this blog. In fact, I plan to blog with greater regularity here, but all things home related will be here for the next 6 months or so. Or, until the newness of it all wears off. :)

It's been a stressful few months. I started the home buying process in mid October and on December 5th, I closed on my place. I looked at 12 condos and the last one I saw was it. I knew it the moment I walked in. It was beyond anything I could have imagined for myself, a single woman or as a first place. I like that I have room and options to expand and grow right here. I have a master suite to myself complete with a bathroom and balcony. I have a second bedroom to use as guestroom. I have about as many friends outside of Chicago as I do in Chicago. I'm excited to finally be able to host them comfortably. Friends that want to visit Chicago for longer than a weekend can do so and sleep on a real bed, in a room with a door free of charge. I'm so happy to ope my door to friends and family.

I have a third bedroom which is now my office/library. It's the only room in the place that I've managed to get semi together. My desk and bookcase are arranged arranged nicely. My new all-in-one printer is set up and ready to do the job. Getting this space together is such a big deal to me for many reasons.

First I want to finagle my way into working from home one or two morning a week. I'm falling behind at work because I've become the "go to" person for almost everything non-fiscal. I could use a morning or two a week to just catch up or get ahead with emails, organizing and other projects. Now that I live 5 minutes a way from work, it's makes a lot of sense and it's feasible.

Secondly, I've made many contacts in the education and nonprofit world over the past four years. It's time I get myself some consulting work. Not only would I welcome the extra income, but I need some flexibility and a means to up my professional profile. For the most part, I like working in education, but there is so much more to learn and do. I think consulting would help expose me to other areas and opportunities.

Third, I want a comfortable space to write. I'm in my third quarter of the creative writing class that I started in the summer. I actually have a real project going, a novel. I want to complete, by the end of this year, a draft of it. I'm not going to enroll in a fourth quarter yet, so that I can focus on writing. I plan to have something substantial to workshop come Fall.

Now, I just have to get myself unpacked and decorated. I still have a long way to go before it looks the way I want it to, but I'm fending off daily, my anxiety about it. I just have to remember that settling in to a new place takes times and before I know it, I'll have it together.

Dr. Suess had it right all along...

2008-12-12T13:58:00.000-08:00

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
Intentionally focusing my mindset on finding the positive in all things has truly helped me over the past couple of weeks. I found moments of peace, clarity and profound joy out of the ashes of several months of feeling miserable, for lack of a better word. I faced several obstacles, nothing wildly out of the ordinary, but challenging nonetheless.

I couldn't quite put my finger on why some things were happening, but I knew why I was frustrated. I was able to recognize that there was a lesson to be learned in the very field I kept circling. I tapped into my God center and before certain situations got the better of me or I said something or did something I couldn't take back, I took action. I knew that it wasn't God's will for me to be living and feeling the way I had been in recent months. When change got underway, I learned several things:

1. I stress a lot, unnecessarily even.
2. I can't change others. I can only change me.
3. I can't worry about the decisions of others. I can only make the best and most informed decisions for me.
4. It's easy to be reactionary, far more difficult to be proactive and forward thinking.
5. I absolutely have to speak up when I believe an action to be wrong, if for no other reason than my personal sanity.

I'm grateful to be climbing out of this particular valley and moving forward to a place of new hope, healing and happiness, even if it is ripe with new obstacles. God's timing, much like His grace is immeasurable.

R.I.P.

2008-12-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

Odetta
December 31, 1930 – December 2, 2008
http://www.workers.org/print.php

Thank You God...

2008-11-05T00:40:00.000-08:00

Yes We Did!

Barack Obama
November 4, 2008
44th President of the United States

The worst is confirmed...

2008-10-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Hudson family case: New details emerge about possible motive
By Angela Rozas, David Heinzmann and Robert Mitchum
Tribune reporters (6:36 AM CDT, October 28, 2008)

Jennifer Hudson stood again in the Cook County medical examiner's office Monday afternoon, clutching the hands of loved ones as they identified the body of yet another slain relative—her 7-year-old nephew, Julian.

Even before family members arrived at the morgue, they had been told that the three-day search for the 2nd grader had ended when his body was found slumped in the back seat of an SUV parked on a West Side street. Amid visibly shaken family members in the medical examiner's office, Hudson bowed her head as if in prayer, then looked up.

"Yes, that's him," she told medical examiner officials as the family stood with her in an adjoining room and looked at a video monitor showing the boy's face.

The toll was inescapable: The Oscar-winning actress had lost her mother, her brother and now her nephew to a murderous rampage.

Even as the family gathered to answer one painful question, police searched the Chevrolet Suburban to answer others.

Officers questioned William Balfour, 27, the estranged husband of Julian's mother, Friday night, but he stopped talking when police suggested he take a polygraph test, law-enforcement sources said. Balfour has not been charged in the slayings.

Although the sources say Balfour remains the focus of the investigation, the motive remains murky. Police say there have been ongoing disputes between him and his estranged wife, Julia Hudson, and her family.

Hudson's mother and brother had thrown him out of their Englewood house in the past, sources said. Julia Hudson also told police that Balfour had threatened the family. A source said Balfour told Julia Hudson he would kill her if he found out she had a boyfriend, despite the fact that he had other girlfriends.

In another incident, sources said, Julia Hudson arrived Friday morning at Sunrise Bus Co. on payday and discovered her wages had been garnished because of unpaid car payments. Sources said Balfour had taken her car months earlier but promised to make the payments on the vehicle. After seeing her pay stub, Julia Hudson called Balfour to complain about the unpaid bills, sources said.

Police believe that Balfour went to the Hudson family home Friday and shot through the front door, striking Hudson's brother, Jason. Hudson's mother, Darnell Donerson, came into the living room, screaming, and Balfour shot her as well, sources said. Shell casings were also found in the child's room, but there were no bullet holes or other signs of violence there. Much of the account of what police believe happened that day came from an interview with a girlfriend of Balfour's, sources said.

The sources also said Balfour's girlfriend contradicted his alibi and told police that he was involved in the slayings.

Police have not ruled out the possibility that more than one person was involved, though Supt. Jody Weis said Monday that Balfour was currently their only "person of interest."

On Sunday morning, officials transferred Balfour to Stateville Correctional Center, saying that because he was a suspect in the slayings, he violated conditions of parole for a 1999 conviction for attempted murder.

Over the weekend, the city scoured the area near the first shooting scene and a grid east of where the boy eventually was found. Officers and volunteers taped missing-person posters up in area shops, and vigils were held in Englewood.

But Julian was found Monday morning on the West Side after a tiny dog named Li'l Man howled and barked at an unfamiliar white SUV parked in the 1300 block of South Kolin Avenue.

The Chihuahua's reaction drew the attention of his owner, John Louden. The SUV matched the description of one police had sought in the killings since Friday. It remains unclear if police had canvassed the block, but some neighbors say they had seen the SUV since Friday. But no one called police before Monday.

Louden, 75, went inside and told his wife, Lynnette. Neighbors said the pace of drug dealing nearby often brought strange cars to the block. But when the Loudens saw the Suburban's license-plate number appear on television, Lynnette Louden called 911.

"The first thing I thought was," she said, " 'Lord, don't let the baby be in there.' "

But he was.

Julian was found slumped over in the back seat of the Suburban, shot in the head. A bullet was found lodged in the vehicle, leading detectives to believe he had been shot in the vehicle. Police don't know precisely when he was killed, saying they are waiting for more information from the medical examiner's office. Police are hoping to find physical evidence at the two crime scenes that breaks the case.

A prayer service was held for the three slain family members in Pleasant Gift Missionary Baptist Church, where one of Hudson's cousins is a minister.

And on the block where the shootings happened near 70th Street and Yale Avenue, about 100 friends and strangers gathered for a candlelight vigil of song and prayer Monday evening.

Surrounded by stuffed animals, balloons and posters that had grown throughout the day, the crowd sang Jennifer Hudson's song "Spotlight."

Tribune reporters Liam Ford, Jeff Long, Azam Ahmed, Emma Graves Fitzsimmons, Stacy St. Clair, Jeff Coen, Dan P. Blake and James Janega contributed to this report.

Tragedy

2008-10-24T15:58:00.000-07:00

My prayers are with her!

Jennifer Hudson's mother, brother killed - reports
Sat Oct 25, 2008 4:14am IST

CHICAGO (Reuters) - The mother and brother of Academy Award-winning actress Jennifer Hudson were found shot to death in the mother's Chicago home on Friday, media reported.

The Chicago Tribune said one of the victims was Hudson's mother, Darnell Donnerson. The entertainment website TMZ, citing a neighbor, said Hudson's brother Jason also was found dead.

A cousin who lived nearby discovered the bodies, TMZ said. The Tribune, quoting police, said the killings may be linked to a domestic disturbance.

The Chicago Police Department confirmed two people were found shot to death at the residence and said it was "being investigated as a homicide." But police did not release the identities of the victims or other details.

Other media reports said a 7-year-old boy, also a family member, was taken from the scene and that police had issued an alert for him.

Hudson won an Academy Award for her role in "Dream Girls."

Happy 10th of September

2008-09-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

Celebrating St. George's Caye Day!

...heaven just got funnier*

2008-08-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

Bernie Mac
R.I.P. 1957-2008

*Don Cheadle

It only takes a word

2008-07-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

For anyone new to Sparkpeople.com, it' one of the most amazing sites I've joined. It's a free community for those in need of help, support and encouragement on the road to weight loss. Each week, Sparkpeople highlight's a members blog entry for it's inspirational quality and sends it to all members. Today's email touched me to tears.

Slump-be-Gone
So, I'm yet to be the runner I aspire to be BUT I'm a better runner than I've ever been.
I don't have a flat tummy BUT I've discovered my collar bones.
I don't always order the healthiest thing on the menu BUT I no longer make my choices blind.
I'm not going to be on the cover of a magazine BUT I'm starting to think that maybe I look good in certain clothes.
I don't always roll out of bed and throw on my sneakers BUT my sneakers are not collecting dust.
I haven't developed an ego BUT I am proud! (From MCANIRLINH's Blog)

Her words, short and simple, speaks volumes to the kind of positive outlook I want to maintain as I continue forward. I think having a positive attitude is half the battle.

Thank you.

Awakened

2008-07-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

Friday was July 4th – Independence Day. Growing up, I never called it Independence Day. It was simply the Fourth of July, a day I’d spend in the park with family and friends, playing, eating barbecue and celebrating a day off from school.

July 4th has never been about freedom or patriotism in my book. Instead, in some twisted way, if I allowed myself to think about the day’s meaning for too long, I’d only be reminded of how little independence I felt. Imagine that; I’ve lived in the land of opportunity, the land of the "free" all of my life, yet have felt much like a caged bird.

In so many ways, the day dedicated to commemorating America’s independence from Great Britain is symbolic of America's bondage — emotional, spiritual and psychological. Somewhere over the course of 200 plus years of “independence,” what little humanity we possessed, crumbled under the weight of materialism and the preoccupation with and consumption of things.

As I celebrated my Fourth of July at a music festival in Milwaukee, I wanted to be saddened by the pervasive lack of humility and self respect I witnessed, but then I remembered Alice Walker’s words. The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. Armed with these words and newfound conviction, I decided to claim the freedom that is rightfully mine. So this weekend, I celebrated Independence – my own.

I celebrated independence from the fear that my difference renders me small among the privileged.
I celebrated independence from the hurt that often leaves me silent in the face of adversity.
I celebrated my God, for being awesome, loving and forgiving at the height of my selfishness.
I looked around me at the faces of the unknown and I celebrated peace of mind because I no longer feel compelled to belong.

Freedom is mine this Independence Day

P.U.S.H. (Pray Until Something Happens)

2008-06-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

Towards the end of each year, I begin working on a list of things I want to accomplish in the new year. I don't call my list a New Year's Resolution because of the stigma associated with resolutions. Instead, I refer to my list as short term goals, a life plan, a semi road map, if you will, on how I want my year to manifest.

Every year, I compile my list, vowing to stop, start or learn any number of things aimed at improving my quality of life. The process of writing this list is more exhausting than actually attempting any of the things on said list, but I do it anyway.

My list includes everything from figuring out how to live on a better budget to saving more money to paying off credit card debt to the jagged pill of weight loss. Needless to say, year after year, I fail miserably.

I don't know if it's the pending change in season or the subconscious mind screwing with with me, but without fail, my list of goals rears it's ugly head around late spring. And there I am, confronted, exposed--on the heels of yet another summer, still overweight and wondering, whatever happened to that budget?!?!

How did I let this happen AGAIN?

Being the all or nothing kind of girl I was, I'd bury that list, never to be seen or thought of again, that is, until I embarked on the task of mapping a new year. What's the point of trying to do anything with a list mid year, when in a few months it'll be time to plan for the next one?

But something out of the ordinary happened this year.

I compiled this year's list, which went a little like....

1. Study Bible and work on building stronger faith.
2. Spend less time engaged in the lives of others.
3. Get credit card debt paid off.
4. Take a writing course.
5. Learn how to wear make up.
6. Finally lose the weight.
7. Invest in cuter clothes.

Along with compiling this year's list, I vowed not to beat myself up if I didn't accomplish everything on the list. Instead, I just prayed for a little bit of mercy and a whole lot of divine guidance on how to be my best self this year.

How many of you believe that God answers prayers?

Would you believe that I actually pick up my Bible on days other than Sundays?

Truth be told, I have more time for bible study, because I spend less time tuned into everyone else's story!

If you thought I wasn't serious about paying off my minor credit card debt, then you won't believe me when I say I've paid off 50% my credit card debt to date.

Who would have thought that after months of foregoing taking a creative writing course because I didn't have the money to spare, that I would find a 10-week course offered through the city park district for a whopping $30. The teacher is fantastic!

I think the biggest success this year has been getting in the ring with weight loss. I've been fighting this battle for almost 20 years without a solid victory to speak of--until today. Will you celebrate with me as I tell you, I've lost 16.4 lbs? I'm not on any fad diet, not trying any gimmicks, no quick fixes. I'm simply exercising and eating better. 16 pounds may not be 61 pounds, but I've never felt more encouraged and positive about this journey than I'm feeling right now! I'm finally on my way!!!

You'll see that there are two goals above that I've not yet mentioned, make up and clothes. I've not worked much towards achieving either of these for different reasons not worth getting into. In the grand scheme of my life over the past few months, make up and clothes aren't nearly as important as they use to be. There was a time when I felt that if I only had the right clothes and the right make up, all would be well. It's amazing how the mind eventually catches up with the heart.

All in all, I started this blog not to brag about good fortune, but rather to give thanks for the blessing bestowed on my life. For the first time, I feel a sense of balance. I still have moments of internal chaos, but my ability to recover is at a record high. Even in the valley, I have a better perspective and outlook on my life.

My faith is growing immensely and I'm learning to listen with my heart. For this, I'm humbled and grateful!