3.2 lbs away from losing...

Your girl is doing the damn thing!

Seriously waiting for the world to change...

Dear John Mayer:

fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck You! FUCK YOU!

Sincerely,
A Former Fan

The Significance of 1

Finally in Onederland!!! One represents the number of pounds until my transition to Onederland will really feel official.

To date: -42.8 lbs

Dirty 30: T minus 16 days

Pray/Give/Pray/Give

...the only words that seem relevant in the aftermath of Haiti's despair.

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, want you, you, you, you, you, you, you (c) E. Badu

I'm not quite sure why I'm so obsessed with these True Religion Joey jeans (oh wait, they're dumb fly that's why), but all I know is that I'm dangerously close to finally fitting a pair. I'm talking, I can get them on, but I can't button them...yet! And because I got the lightnin' and thunder (no, I don't get it from my momma), the thigh area is also a bit tight. Just you wait though, I'm on that Kanye workout plan! I will comfortably rock these on my birthday, even if I have to stop eating to do it. Ok, that last part is a lie, but you get the point. I want these jeans badly. 60 days and counting. You heard it here first!

BTW: To date, I've lost 40 lbs, 26 lbs more to go!

Feeling inspired...

And on that path to freedom, Harriett Tubman had one piece of advice.

If you hear the dogs, keep going.
If you see the torches in the woods, keep going.
If they're shouting after you, keep going.
Don't ever stop. Keep going.
If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.

taken from Hillary Clinton's DNC speech on 8/26/08

It's a new dawn...

I did it!!! October has come and gone and I am 8 lbs lighter. Oh, yes! I might not have stuck to my manifesto as I declared at the end of September, but I dug deep and worked hard. I can now officially claim October as my biggest weight loss month.

I was so psyched about my triumph that I cleaned out my closet this weekend. Two-thirds of my wardrobe is currently folded in several neat piles (thanks mommy) on my living room floor waiting to be bagged and donated to the brown elephant.

When I noticed how much I had to give away, I'll admit, I almost couldn't believe it. Where did it all come from? How did I get so much? I realized that I had way more clothes than my daily wardrobe ever acknowledged. I remembered many a morning, tearing through my closet, angrily, bitterly, unable to find a suitable outfit for work. Getting dressed use to be such a frustrating activity because I always felt my closet was just inept. I bought and I bought and I bought, yet in the end, nothing looked right, fit right or made me feel good about myself.

On my living room floor sits nine blouses, nine skirts, six sweaters, six pairs of slacks, five dresses, five pairs of jeans, four t-shirts, three suits, three coats, and shoes. Oh, don't even get me started on the shoes. You don't even want to know that I own over 60 pairs of shoes.

Looking at the massive piles sitting on my living room floor made me a bit sad and ashamed. I mean seriously, four black dresses? It's unconscionable that I've amassed such excess.

All isn't lost though. I believe there is a lesson in all things.

Cleaning out my closet this weekend has allowed me to see myself just a little bit clearer. It exposed my tendency to overcompensate (read: over-shop) when I'm not feeling my best. Funny thing is, I never really feel any better in the end. All I've done is given myself a temporary high that my wallet and closet can't support (yes, my closet unit fell for the second time last month). The writings have been on the wall about my shopping for quite some time. I've vowed to stop filling myself (and my closet) up with stuff. I don't have to and I certainly don't need to, not anymore.

I'm finding as the weight comes off, so do the layers of the shell I've been hiding in. I'm working on me inside and outside. There are some less desirable characteristics and behaviors I need to address, but overall, I'm liking myself a lot.

So, I went shopping this weekend because I needed to add a few pieces to my now defunct wardrobe. I bought one coat, one dress, one sweater and one pair of jeans because one of each was all I truly needed. It felt good.

Incidentally, I discovered, I lost two whole dress sizes as evidenced in my new pair of jeans. I haven't seen this size since 8th grade.

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
(c) Feeling Good, Nina Simone

Full-figured dilemna...

For those who know me and/or have ever seen me, you know that I have rather large boobies. For years I struggled to find the right sports bra, only to resign myself to doubling up on two of Lane Bryant's version of a sports bra. I refer to them as LB's version, because what they sell is really just a wireless, cotton/jersey blend knock off. They have the look of a sports bra, just without the support for any kind of extensive aerobic/athletic activity.

Surprising, huh? Well, it shouldn't be.

I've long been a harsh critic of LB and other like stores (ex: The Avenue, Catherine's, Ashley Stewart). In fact, I've all together stopped shopping at these stores and not just because I've lost 34.5 lbs to date (shameless plug, yes I know, but it's my blog). I've stopped shopping at these stores because I'm convinced they just don't understand full-figured bodies and are skewed in their vision of what compliments a full-figured body.

First, there is the "all or all" design of the clothing. All or all is the assumption that if you have large thighs, you automatically have wide hips, big legs and a ginormous ass accompanying it. Or similarly, if you have big boobs, you must have the shoulders of a linebacker, huge arms and a protruding gut. This isn't always the case. In fact, many of my full-figured friends and co-workers are quite shapely and well proportioned. Those same people, also don't shop at these stores for this exact reason.

Second, there is the "middle age" designs. Just because a woman isn't a size 6, doesn't mean she should like a 50-year-old size 16. I'll admit, LB and other stores have a come a long way from their late 80's, early 90's days of elastic waist pants, floral prints and primary colors suited best for the 65 and older crowd. However, they still have a distance ahead of them. I'm glad they know full-figured women aren't just grannies. Now, I need them to understand we aren't all middle-aged either.

Third, "junior plus" clothing is an abomination. There, I said it. You find junior plus designs at Ashley Stewart, Torrid and many larger department stores. I'm sorry, but the the answer to making a young full-figured woman look young and trendy, isn't to make "tween" or "teen" styles in a 14+. There is nothing worse than a 30-year-old woman looking like a plus-sized Miley Cyrus.

The state of clothing options for full-figured women is upsetting. It speaks volumes to the fashion industry's unwillingness to embrace "FAT". I'm so sick of the "pacify it with inferior clothes" mentality that underlies our clothing options. All of the statistics I've read state that over 30% of Americans are obese, over 65% of Americans are overweight and the average woman is a size 14. Why then are clothes designed with some questionable 5% in mind?

Where are the well-made clothes for full-figured women in their late 20's to early 30's; or do I have pull out my sewing machine and take a few courses?

Down one-half and not looking back

Oh yes, I've made it to the one-half mark on my weight loss journey. I'm down 33 lbs! Only 33 lbs left to go. There really is no stopping me. I'm looking good and feeling GREAT!

I'm so on target to reach my 8-9 lbs loss for this month that all of the work I've been putting in seems effortless. October really will be my biggest weight loss month to date. I proclaimed it last month and I am claiming this month. So far, I've lost 6 lbs and still have well over a week to go before month's end.

Though I haven't been as diligent about sticking to my October Manifesto, I've definitely been careful about my diet. I've allowed myself to enjoy a few beers and a few meals out without over-indulging. And that, is a big part of what this journey has been about...learning to not over-indulge. I am so proud of myself!

One of my high school/college friends who's big into fitness has been instrumental (via email and web chat) in getting me to this next level. Her advice, support and overall encouragement got me over brief plateaus and frustrations. When we first reconnected, she told me that there would come a point when it would all be second nature to me; the exercise, the nutrition and just the general desire to be healthy. She was right. I think I've finally moved from "diet mode" to "healthy lifestyle" and now there's no turning back.

I've met and exceeded all, but one of my mini goals. I am now 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started high school. I may have been an overweight teen, but I am now on cruise control as I make my way to being a healthy adult.

October Manifesto...

In keeping with my desire to make October the month that I will lose the greatest amount of weight to date, I've decided to write a brief manifesto. My goal for October is to lose 8-9 lbs, to greatly surpass my 6.8 lb August lost and my 5.2 lb September lost. I know that I can do it, but I also know that I have to make some serious changes to my diet and workout to get to the next level.

So, on this, the last day of September, I declare that during the month of October I will:

1. refrain from drinking any type of alcoholic beverage.

2. cut back on my processed sugars. (i.e. no cupcakes, cookies, brownies, chocolate, fruit juices, sodas or any other products with added sugar or sugar substitutes)

3. run at intervals twice a week, no skipping.

4. cut back eating out 6 meals a month to 4 meals for the month.

5. not weigh myself more than once a week on Tuesdays, as required by my tri-team weight loss challenge.

There you have it. It's going to be a tough month, but I am ready for the challenge.

This made my day...

One-third down...

It's official, I've passed the one-third mark (21.9 lbs) on my 65.8 lb weight loss journey. To date, I've lost 25.6 lbs. I'm floored by my own steady progress, but know that I've done the work. I've remained focused and determined to have success this time around and it's paying off.

As September comes to a close, my mind is already thinking about October's course of action. I'm going hard in October. My goal is to make October my biggest weight loss month. In August, I lost 6.8 lbs. So far this month, I'm down 4.6 lbs with 5 days left until month's end. My goal for October is to say goodbye to another 8-9 lbs. I've put it out there and plan to work my butt off to make it happen.

As for my mini goals. I've crossed another one off my list.

I'm only 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started college.
I now weigh .8 lbs less than I did the day I started college.

I'm only 9 lbs away from being the weight I was when I graduated from high school.
I am now 2.2 lbs away from being the weight I was the day I graduated from high school.

I'm on my way to uncharted territory, a place that I never thought I'd come close to ever again in life. In fact, I never wanted to come near this place again because of the deep embarrassment that was an open wound for a very long time. It seems so strange to type this, as I've never told anyone, and now, I'm putting it out into cyberspace.

Here goes...

When I started high school in 1994, I was 14, awkward and obviously overweight. On the very first day of my JROTC class (yes, I wanted to enlist in the army after high school) my class sergeant weighed each student in the class and announced our weight to the entire class. As the only overweight student in the class, I was mortified. I wanted to crawl under a bus and hide forever. I don't remember how I got past it, but I did. Somehow, I persevered.

Today at 29, I'm now 13.2 lbs away from being that weight again. However, the big difference this time is that I know it's only a temporary stop on much greater destination. It doesn't hold the same power over me as it once did. I'm ready to tackle it and move on.

Look out remaining 40.2 lbs. I'm in attack mode. I'm cleaning house and you don't stand a chance.

Not a good look, Serena...

Though I understand Serena's frustration and I agree that the line judge's call was erroneous, she behaved badly. I was embarrassed for her. Sometimes, you just have to accept defeat graciously. Every wrong won't be made right, but throwing a tantrum, only makes it worst. Unfortunately, she was outplayed.

Birds flying high, you know how I feel...

Oh yeah...

At the rate of this turning into a blog documenting my weight loss (not that I really care), I just have to share some more good news.

You might remember (or just click here) for the blog I wrote on August 13; I was so excited about how close I was to reaching a set of mini goals. Well, I can proudly say, I've surpassed the first two goals on that list.

I'm only 1.2 lbs away celebrating losing 20 lbs.
To date, I've lost 23.6 lbs.

I'm only 2.8 lbs away from being the weight I was the day I graduated from college.
I'm now exactly 2.8 lbs lighter than I was when I graduated from college.

As for my other two goals:

I'm only 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started college.
I'm just 1.2 lbs away from meeting this goal.

I'm only 9 lbs away from being the weight I was when I graduated from high school.
I'm just 4.2 lbs away.

As excited as I am for my steady progress, I am even more excited that I can do things that I wasn't able to do before (or maybe was just too fearful to try). When I first embarked on this healthy lifestyle over a year ago, I joined a women's gym and became a "gym rat". I went frequently. I did simple cardio. I participated in a bunch of fitness classes. I even met with the fitness coaches for monthly assessments. Yet, I wasn't making much progress. I had no clue what I was really doing, how or why.

Back then, I was so uncomfortable in my body. You couldn't have paid me to get on a treadmill and do anything more than a brisk walk. I got frustrated easily at my lack of progress and fed up with being stalled. Eventually, I moved and just stopped going. Looking back, those two things were probably the best thing to have happened to me.

Today, I'm at a co-ed gym chock-full of athletic types, competitors, beauty queens and muscle men, yet I feel right at home getting my workout in. I joke about skinny girls getting onto treadmills next to me running for 60 minutes at a 10.0, but I'm no longer intimidated by it. I'm no longer embarrassed about what I can or can't do. I'm not worried about them. I'm focused on me and the fact that my endurance is building. I'm able to push myself to run longer and faster every week or so.

I'm running!!!!!

I feel so much better about myself and my future. Some of the muscle guys even give me head nods when they see me. I'm there...a lot :-)

I've dropped 23.6 lbs of my 65.8 lb goal. Having only 42.2 lbs to go is so surreal and motivating. Dropping the weight feels like I'm digging my way out of a tunnel. I still have quite a bit of digging to do, but I'm one-third of the way there. I can see the light at the end. Though I know the rest of the way won't be easy, I am more confident than ever before.

If there is one thing I've learned over the past 18 months it's this: sometimes the journey is just as important, if not moreso than the destination. I can't wait to reach the finish line, but I'm grateful for the changes I feel and see in myself.

It's official...

my jeans are too big, every single pair. My waist doesn't look like the woman's in the picture above [yet], but my jeans have some serious saggage going on between the legs, in the rear and yes...around the waist. I worked hard for it in August, like you wouldn't believe. I clocked almost 300 cardio minutes and 90+ strength training minutes each week. I was a beast about my workouts and it paid off. I dropped 6.8 lbs and 1% body fat in August alone. And since I'm in such a braggadocios mood, trainer at the gym said to me this morning [rather emphatically, I might add] as I was busting my butt doing abdominal leg crossovers on a bosu ball [yes, they are as difficult to do as they sound] you are losing inches. Me: really? Her: Yes, around your waist [complete with wide eyes and affirmative head nod]. I grinned from ear to ear as I resolved to slay September. It's on!

Watch out bitches...I'm coming!!!!

Because I love this song...

Blaque - 808 - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Sometimes, I need a reminder...

The 6 stages of Change...

For longer than I care to admit, I've been stuck in a valley of uncertainty. Sure, over the past 9 months, I've made great strides in my personal goals. I wanted a home, so I bought one. I wanted to lose weight, so I embarked on a healthy lifestyle and have been successful to date.

However, as satisfying as these achievements have been, I've not been able to shake the feeling that something is missing. I routinely feel a small, yet pervasive longing for "more", for "new", for "different". I bore easily! I always have and I suspect I always will. I have vague pieces of the puzzle floating in my head of what I think "more" is, but not enough pieces to see a clear image.

Over the past year or so, I've been perched firmly on the "ledge" of indecision. According to the chart above, what I've really been doing is teetering between precontemplation and contemplation, afraid to take a step forward, until this past Saturday.

On Saturday, I took one small step forward and put myself out there. I was tired of being tired. Well, yesterday, I received an email that instantly catapulted from contemplation to preparation. I'm not claiming anything yet, other than I'm glad to have stepped off the ledge. Even if this one doesn't work out, the door opened and I walked through it. There's no turning back for me, not now.

Radical change awaits me. More to come...

I'm proud to be woman!