Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Today, my heart is burdened


Confused
Hurt
Empty
Anxious
Lost
Unsettled
Sad
Guilty
Tearful
Bereaved
Troubled
Numb
Heartbroken

A sixth grader at my school committed suicide last night. She was eleven.

Rest in peace baby girl.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Early morning babble

It's 4 am and I can't sleep.
I hate this.
I hate those nights I watch so much darn television or play around on the internet so long that I can't fall sleep.
I have a headache.
I'm sitting in my living room half watching a Law & Order rerun that I'm sure I've seen 100 times.
I've moved from scoping furniture on every department store website to shopping for hair care products.
Ok, I really have to do something about my hair.
End of the year stress took a serious toll, coupled with my laissez-faire attitude about upkeep, I've ended up with hair looking like who shot john and why they ain't kill em. (Belizeans know about John)
It's dry.
It's brittle.
It's breaking.
It's broken!
I have to do something about it ASAP!
I discovered a video blog on YouTube called Scandalous Beauty.
The blogger documents her natural hair journey.
I've been natural for 8.5 years.
I'm so glad I found the video because she offers so many tips on how to hydrate natural hair.
She also offers PRODUCT recommendations!
I love products and I love trying out new products.
While searching for the items SB recommends, I discovered iHerb.
It's an online health store.
All of the oils and shampoos SB recommends are available at iHerb, so of course I created an account.
Too bad they don't have a full online community.
I love social networking sites.
NOTE TO SELF: STOP joining social networking sites.
I've already filled up a basket on iHerb with $40+ worth of organic shampoos, conditioners and oils.
Hopefully, I'll have better luck with these products.
While I don't want to spend the money without more than a video blog rec, I have to do something.
I tried Carol's Daughter last year and $75 later, NADA!
These products are natural, organic, blah, blah blah.
Shit better work.
I'm buying everything right on down to prenatal vitamins to aid my cause.
So not pregnant!
We shall see.
Must rest now.

Friday, February 13, 2009

V-Day


Usually, I hate this day, but not so much this year and not for any particular reason other than I'm just feeling good.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Say it ain't so...

I like celeb gossip as much as the next person, but this just makes me ill. We don't yet know all of the details, but I'm hoping for the best. This just

Friday, February 6, 2009

Saturday, January 17, 2009

It's Official...


I have a ticket to the inauguration. I'm headed to Washington D.C. on Sunday to see President Obama sworn in. I will try to mobile blog or post photos to facebook and myspace. If not, check back next week for the scoop.

Monday, January 12, 2009

A month to the day...

Hey there,

It's been a month since my last blog. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! It's 2009 and I'm so glad to be alive!!! I'm looking forward to an awesome year.

2008 was one of mixed emotions and after months of a dismal existence in that latter quarter, I made it to home on a high note. I'm moving forward into this year one step at a time. I know I won't be solely batting softballs, but I'm readying myself for fast balls and curve balls. I may have to switch hit a bit, but I plan on being ready and able. (Not sure where I got all of those baseball references?)

So much has happened in the past month that's kept me away from blogging, but I'm back and ready to divulge.

I bought a condo. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am to be in my own space. Free to be or not be and live how I please, while building a little equity in the process. The economy has been in such as slump (surely, you've not noticed *smile*) that it's a buyers market right now. I got a great deal on a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 balcony, 1 deck, separate kitchen and dining room condo with hardwood floors and an exposed brick wall. If it sounds lovely, it's because it is. I'm overjoyed to have found this place. It's a major step for me and I feel good about it--genuinely good. That said, it hasn't been without some obstacles--ups and downs along the way. You can read about those here on my second blog. I created this blog just to gush/complain/whine/muse...whatever you want to call it about my home. I'm not abandoning this blog. In fact, I plan to blog with greater regularity here, but all things home related will be here for the next 6 months or so. Or, until the newness of it all wears off. :)

It's been a stressful few months. I started the home buying process in mid October and on December 5th, I closed on my place. I looked at 12 condos and the last one I saw was it. I knew it the moment I walked in. It was beyond anything I could have imagined for myself, a single woman or as a first place. I like that I have room and options to expand and grow right here. I have a master suite to myself complete with a bathroom and balcony. I have a second bedroom to use as guestroom. I have about as many friends outside of Chicago as I do in Chicago. I'm excited to finally be able to host them comfortably. Friends that want to visit Chicago for longer than a weekend can do so and sleep on a real bed, in a room with a door free of charge. I'm so happy to ope my door to friends and family.

I have a third bedroom which is now my office/library. It's the only room in the place that I've managed to get semi together. My desk and bookcase are arranged arranged nicely. My new all-in-one printer is set up and ready to do the job. Getting this space together is such a big deal to me for many reasons.

First I want to finagle my way into working from home one or two morning a week. I'm falling behind at work because I've become the "go to" person for almost everything non-fiscal. I could use a morning or two a week to just catch up or get ahead with emails, organizing and other projects. Now that I live 5 minutes a way from work, it's makes a lot of sense and it's feasible.

Secondly, I've made many contacts in the education and nonprofit world over the past four years. It's time I get myself some consulting work. Not only would I welcome the extra income, but I need some flexibility and a means to up my professional profile. For the most part, I like working in education, but there is so much more to learn and do. I think consulting would help expose me to other areas and opportunities.

Third, I want a comfortable space to write. I'm in my third quarter of the creative writing class that I started in the summer. I actually have a real project going, a novel. I want to complete, by the end of this year, a draft of it. I'm not going to enroll in a fourth quarter yet, so that I can focus on writing. I plan to have something substantial to workshop come Fall.

Now, I just have to get myself unpacked and decorated. I still have a long way to go before it looks the way I want it to, but I'm fending off daily, my anxiety about it. I just have to remember that settling in to a new place takes times and before I know it, I'll have it together.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Dr. Suess had it right all along...

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
Intentionally focusing my mindset on finding the positive in all things has truly helped me over the past couple of weeks. I found moments of peace, clarity and profound joy out of the ashes of several months of feeling miserable, for lack of a better word. I faced several obstacles, nothing wildly out of the ordinary, but challenging nonetheless.

I couldn't quite put my finger on why some things were happening, but I knew why I was frustrated. I was able to recognize that there was a lesson to be learned in the very field I kept circling. I tapped into my God center and before certain situations got the better of me or I said something or did something I couldn't take back, I took action. I knew that it wasn't God's will for me to be living and feeling the way I had been in recent months. When change got underway, I learned several things:

1. I stress a lot, unnecessarily even.
2. I can't change others. I can only change me.
3. I can't worry about the decisions of others. I can only make the best and most informed decisions for me.
4. It's easy to be reactionary, far more difficult to be proactive and forward thinking.
5. I absolutely have to speak up when I believe an action to be wrong, if for no other reason than my personal sanity.

I'm grateful to be climbing out of this particular valley and moving forward to a place of new hope, healing and happiness, even if it is ripe with new obstacles. God's timing, much like His grace is immeasurable.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

R.I.P.


Odetta
December 31, 1930 – December 2, 2008
http://www.workers.org/print.php

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Thank You God...

Yes We Did!
Barack Obama
November 4, 2008
44th President of the United States

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The worst is confirmed...


Jennifer Hudson family case: New details emerge about possible motive
By Angela Rozas, David Heinzmann and Robert Mitchum
Tribune reporters (6:36 AM CDT, October 28, 2008)

Jennifer Hudson stood again in the Cook County medical examiner's office Monday afternoon, clutching the hands of loved ones as they identified the body of yet another slain relative—her 7-year-old nephew, Julian.

Even before family members arrived at the morgue, they had been told that the three-day search for the 2nd grader had ended when his body was found slumped in the back seat of an SUV parked on a West Side street. Amid visibly shaken family members in the medical examiner's office, Hudson bowed her head as if in prayer, then looked up.

"Yes, that's him," she told medical examiner officials as the family stood with her in an adjoining room and looked at a video monitor showing the boy's face.

The toll was inescapable: The Oscar-winning actress had lost her mother, her brother and now her nephew to a murderous rampage.

Even as the family gathered to answer one painful question, police searched the Chevrolet Suburban to answer others.

Officers questioned William Balfour, 27, the estranged husband of Julian's mother, Friday night, but he stopped talking when police suggested he take a polygraph test, law-enforcement sources said. Balfour has not been charged in the slayings.

Although the sources say Balfour remains the focus of the investigation, the motive remains murky. Police say there have been ongoing disputes between him and his estranged wife, Julia Hudson, and her family.

Hudson's mother and brother had thrown him out of their Englewood house in the past, sources said. Julia Hudson also told police that Balfour had threatened the family. A source said Balfour told Julia Hudson he would kill her if he found out she had a boyfriend, despite the fact that he had other girlfriends.

In another incident, sources said, Julia Hudson arrived Friday morning at Sunrise Bus Co. on payday and discovered her wages had been garnished because of unpaid car payments. Sources said Balfour had taken her car months earlier but promised to make the payments on the vehicle. After seeing her pay stub, Julia Hudson called Balfour to complain about the unpaid bills, sources said.

Police believe that Balfour went to the Hudson family home Friday and shot through the front door, striking Hudson's brother, Jason. Hudson's mother, Darnell Donerson, came into the living room, screaming, and Balfour shot her as well, sources said. Shell casings were also found in the child's room, but there were no bullet holes or other signs of violence there. Much of the account of what police believe happened that day came from an interview with a girlfriend of Balfour's, sources said.

The sources also said Balfour's girlfriend contradicted his alibi and told police that he was involved in the slayings.

Police have not ruled out the possibility that more than one person was involved, though Supt. Jody Weis said Monday that Balfour was currently their only "person of interest."

On Sunday morning, officials transferred Balfour to Stateville Correctional Center, saying that because he was a suspect in the slayings, he violated conditions of parole for a 1999 conviction for attempted murder.

Over the weekend, the city scoured the area near the first shooting scene and a grid east of where the boy eventually was found. Officers and volunteers taped missing-person posters up in area shops, and vigils were held in Englewood.

But Julian was found Monday morning on the West Side after a tiny dog named Li'l Man howled and barked at an unfamiliar white SUV parked in the 1300 block of South Kolin Avenue.

The Chihuahua's reaction drew the attention of his owner, John Louden. The SUV matched the description of one police had sought in the killings since Friday. It remains unclear if police had canvassed the block, but some neighbors say they had seen the SUV since Friday. But no one called police before Monday.

Louden, 75, went inside and told his wife, Lynnette. Neighbors said the pace of drug dealing nearby often brought strange cars to the block. But when the Loudens saw the Suburban's license-plate number appear on television, Lynnette Louden called 911.

"The first thing I thought was," she said, " 'Lord, don't let the baby be in there.' "

But he was.

Julian was found slumped over in the back seat of the Suburban, shot in the head. A bullet was found lodged in the vehicle, leading detectives to believe he had been shot in the vehicle. Police don't know precisely when he was killed, saying they are waiting for more information from the medical examiner's office. Police are hoping to find physical evidence at the two crime scenes that breaks the case.

A prayer service was held for the three slain family members in Pleasant Gift Missionary Baptist Church, where one of Hudson's cousins is a minister.

And on the block where the shootings happened near 70th Street and Yale Avenue, about 100 friends and strangers gathered for a candlelight vigil of song and prayer Monday evening.

Surrounded by stuffed animals, balloons and posters that had grown throughout the day, the crowd sang Jennifer Hudson's song "Spotlight."

Tribune reporters Liam Ford, Jeff Long, Azam Ahmed, Emma Graves Fitzsimmons, Stacy St. Clair, Jeff Coen, Dan P. Blake and James Janega contributed to this report.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Tragedy

My prayers are with her!


Jennifer Hudson's mother, brother killed - reports
Sat Oct 25, 2008 4:14am IST

CHICAGO (Reuters) - The mother and brother of Academy Award-winning actress Jennifer Hudson were found shot to death in the mother's Chicago home on Friday, media reported.

The Chicago Tribune said one of the victims was Hudson's mother, Darnell Donnerson. The entertainment website TMZ, citing a neighbor, said Hudson's brother Jason also was found dead.

A cousin who lived nearby discovered the bodies, TMZ said. The Tribune, quoting police, said the killings may be linked to a domestic disturbance.

The Chicago Police Department confirmed two people were found shot to death at the residence and said it was "being investigated as a homicide." But police did not release the identities of the victims or other details.

Other media reports said a 7-year-old boy, also a family member, was taken from the scene and that police had issued an alert for him.

Hudson won an Academy Award for her role in "Dream Girls."

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Happy 10th of September


Celebrating St. George's Caye Day!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

...heaven just got funnier*

Bernie Mac
R.I.P. 1957-2008



*Don Cheadle

Thursday, July 17, 2008

It only takes a word

For anyone new to Sparkpeople.com, it' one of the most amazing sites I've joined. It's a free community for those in need of help, support and encouragement on the road to weight loss. Each week, Sparkpeople highlight's a members blog entry for it's inspirational quality and sends it to all members. Today's email touched me to tears.

Slump-be-Gone
So, I'm yet to be the runner I aspire to be BUT I'm a better runner than I've ever been.
I don't have a flat tummy BUT I've discovered my collar bones.
I don't always order the healthiest thing on the menu BUT I no longer make my choices blind.
I'm not going to be on the cover of a magazine BUT I'm starting to think that maybe I look good in certain clothes.
I don't always roll out of bed and throw on my sneakers BUT my sneakers are not collecting dust.
I haven't developed an ego BUT I am proud
! (From MCANIRLINH's Blog)

Her words, short and simple, speaks volumes to the kind of positive outlook I want to maintain as I continue forward. I think having a positive attitude is half the battle.

Thank you.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Awakened


Friday was July 4th – Independence Day. Growing up, I never called it Independence Day. It was simply the Fourth of July, a day I’d spend in the park with family and friends, playing, eating barbecue and celebrating a day off from school.

July 4th has never been about freedom or patriotism in my book. Instead, in some twisted way, if I allowed myself to think about the day’s meaning for too long, I’d only be reminded of how little independence I felt. Imagine that; I’ve lived in the land of opportunity, the land of the "free" all of my life, yet have felt much like a caged bird.

In so many ways, the day dedicated to commemorating America’s independence from Great Britain is symbolic of America's bondage — emotional, spiritual and psychological. Somewhere over the course of 200 plus years of “independence,” what little humanity we possessed, crumbled under the weight of materialism and the preoccupation with and consumption of things.

As I celebrated my Fourth of July at a music festival in Milwaukee, I wanted to be saddened by the pervasive lack of humility and self respect I witnessed, but then I remembered Alice Walker’s words. The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. Armed with these words and newfound conviction, I decided to claim the freedom that is rightfully mine. So this weekend, I celebrated Independence – my own.

I celebrated independence from the fear that my difference renders me small among the privileged.
I celebrated independence from the hurt that often leaves me silent in the face of adversity.
I celebrated my God, for being awesome, loving and forgiving at the height of my selfishness.
I looked around me at the faces of the unknown and I celebrated peace of mind because I no longer feel compelled to belong.

Freedom is mine this Independence Day

Monday, June 30, 2008

P.U.S.H. (Pray Until Something Happens)


Towards the end of each year, I begin working on a list of things I want to accomplish in the new year. I don't call my list a New Year's Resolution because of the stigma associated with resolutions. Instead, I refer to my list as short term goals, a life plan, a semi road map, if you will, on how I want my year to manifest.

Every year, I compile my list, vowing to stop, start or learn any number of things aimed at improving my quality of life. The process of writing this list is more exhausting than actually attempting any of the things on said list, but I do it anyway.

My list includes everything from figuring out how to live on a better budget to saving more money to paying off credit card debt to the jagged pill of weight loss. Needless to say, year after year, I fail miserably.

I don't know if it's the pending change in season or the subconscious mind screwing with with me, but without fail, my list of goals rears it's ugly head around late spring. And there I am, confronted, exposed--on the heels of yet another summer, still overweight and wondering, whatever happened to that budget?!?!

How did I let this happen AGAIN?

Being the all or nothing kind of girl I was, I'd bury that list, never to be seen or thought of again, that is, until I embarked on the task of mapping a new year. What's the point of trying to do anything with a list mid year, when in a few months it'll be time to plan for the next one?

But something out of the ordinary happened this year.

I compiled this year's list, which went a little like....

1. Study Bible and work on building stronger faith.
2. Spend less time engaged in the lives of others.
3. Get credit card debt paid off.
4. Take a writing course.
5. Learn how to wear make up.
6. Finally lose the weight.
7. Invest in cuter clothes.

Along with compiling this year's list, I vowed not to beat myself up if I didn't accomplish everything on the list. Instead, I just prayed for a little bit of mercy and a whole lot of divine guidance on how to be my best self this year.

How many of you believe that God answers prayers?

Would you believe that I actually pick up my Bible on days other than Sundays?

Truth be told, I have more time for bible study, because I spend less time tuned into everyone else's story!

If you thought I wasn't serious about paying off my minor credit card debt, then you won't believe me when I say I've paid off 50% my credit card debt to date.

Who would have thought that after months of foregoing taking a creative writing course because I didn't have the money to spare, that I would find a 10-week course offered through the city park district for a whopping $30. The teacher is fantastic!

I think the biggest success this year has been getting in the ring with weight loss. I've been fighting this battle for almost 20 years without a solid victory to speak of--until today. Will you celebrate with me as I tell you, I've lost 16.4 lbs? I'm not on any fad diet, not trying any gimmicks, no quick fixes. I'm simply exercising and eating better. 16 pounds may not be 61 pounds, but I've never felt more encouraged and positive about this journey than I'm feeling right now! I'm finally on my way!!!

You'll see that there are two goals above that I've not yet mentioned, make up and clothes. I've not worked much towards achieving either of these for different reasons not worth getting into. In the grand scheme of my life over the past few months, make up and clothes aren't nearly as important as they use to be. There was a time when I felt that if I only had the right clothes and the right make up, all would be well. It's amazing how the mind eventually catches up with the heart.

All in all, I started this blog not to brag about good fortune, but rather to give thanks for the blessing bestowed on my life. For the first time, I feel a sense of balance. I still have moments of internal chaos, but my ability to recover is at a record high. Even in the valley, I have a better perspective and outlook on my life.

My faith is growing immensely and I'm learning to listen with my heart. For this, I'm humbled and grateful!