Because I love this song...

Blaque - 808 - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Sometimes, I need a reminder...

The 6 stages of Change...

For longer than I care to admit, I've been stuck in a valley of uncertainty. Sure, over the past 9 months, I've made great strides in my personal goals. I wanted a home, so I bought one. I wanted to lose weight, so I embarked on a healthy lifestyle and have been successful to date.

However, as satisfying as these achievements have been, I've not been able to shake the feeling that something is missing. I routinely feel a small, yet pervasive longing for "more", for "new", for "different". I bore easily! I always have and I suspect I always will. I have vague pieces of the puzzle floating in my head of what I think "more" is, but not enough pieces to see a clear image.

Over the past year or so, I've been perched firmly on the "ledge" of indecision. According to the chart above, what I've really been doing is teetering between precontemplation and contemplation, afraid to take a step forward, until this past Saturday.

On Saturday, I took one small step forward and put myself out there. I was tired of being tired. Well, yesterday, I received an email that instantly catapulted from contemplation to preparation. I'm not claiming anything yet, other than I'm glad to have stepped off the ledge. Even if this one doesn't work out, the door opened and I walked through it. There's no turning back for me, not now.

Radical change awaits me. More to come...

I'm proud to be woman!

Catching up...

It's been months since I blogged. I hate when I backslide on doing something I actually enjoy...writing about the ups and downs of my life. There's not much to report, other than I'm still happily on the healthy lifestyle kick.

Over the past couple of months, I've had more ups than downs with my diet and exercise and have been trucking along with great consistency. I'm happy with myself. I wish my progress was moving a little faster, but it's moving. I'm so grateful for all that I've been learning about weight loss, my personal journey and much needed lessons about patience. I love that I feel myself growing closer to the goal line each day. I know when I reach it, it's going to be the sweetest victory.

Two things have sustained me over the past couple of months. First, I've inundated myself with fitness information, websites, blogs, magazines, pictures, etc. I've even made twitter acquaintances with fitness experts. By educating myself, I stay motivated to keep on track. I make smarter decisions about exercise and definitely wiser choices about my food.

Second, I've set a range of mini goals that lets me celebrate victories more often. I no longer have to "weight" for 5 or 10 lbs losses to celebrate. Now, I can pat myself on the back every pound or two, because those losses have other significant meanings for me. More than anything, these layered goals have forced me to really challenge myself and push harder.

Since May, I've lost 8 lbs. I still have a ways to go, but with my layered goals, I'm constantly celebrate a new achievement. To date:

I'm only 1.2 lbs away celebrating losing 20 lbs.
I'm only 2.8 lbs away from being the weight I was the day I graduated from college.
I'm only 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started college.
I'm only 9 lbs away from being the weight I was when I graduated from high school.

I know this may all sound a bit silly, but just a year and half ago, weight loss seemed impossible. I was miserably overweight, bumbling around in the gym without a clue. I never thought I'd see my college weight again and I could not have imagined that I'd be less than 10 lbs away from my high school graduation weight. As someone who has eaten aimlessly and shamelessly most of my life, this is a tremendous feat.

As I reach these goals, others just like it, and even still having a great distance ahead of me, weight loss no longer feels like the unreachable reach! It's no longer some elusive tango between my brain and my actions. It's finally real! I'm looking forward to a better life. I'm pushing myself harder with every workout. I'm focused...not only on the destination, but also on the journey.

My weight may not define me, but I can define my weight. I have something to prove...TO MYSELF!

This is the Michael Jackson I choose to remember.

Rest In Peace
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Been so long...

I'm missin' ya baby. (c) Anita Baker

Seriously, I've been away much too long. Life has been one sweet ride over the past two months. It's been crazy busy, but admittedly, I kinda like busy. I like being engaged in stuff.

I've had some minor hiccups in the road, but what else is new? Who manages to exist without obstacles? Better yet, is a life without obstacles and setbacks a life worth living? I.M.H.O. I think not!

The house is coming along nicely. I'm on my condo board, so I am super plugged in to all that we have going on and not going on. Living cooperatively is some serious business...especially when everyone ain't cooperating. Feel me? Overall, I'm loving being a homeowner and really looking forward to seeing my neighborhood grow and thrive. We have some rough patches, unfinished developments, couple of boarded homes and looming foreclosures, but hey...we're in a recession. Times are truly tough for everyone. I hope all those who have been deeply affected by the economic downturn are prayerful and believing that their situations will only get better.

My mom is visiting me for the summer. She arrived right after mother's day and is staying through the first couple of weeks in August. At first I was real nervous about the extended stay. It's been almost 10 years since we lived under one roof for longer than two weeks. So far, we've gotten on each others' nerves, but I've realized so much in having her stay with me.
- I do love her very much.
- Though she habits that annoy the hell out of me, I enjoy her company.
- She is the most well intentioned person I know.
- I've really missed her cooking.
- She actually has a good sense of humor.
- She can organize the hell out of a home.
So, though she has weeks to go before she returns to Los Angeles, I'm certain I'll miss her when she goes.

On the health front, my hair is slowly picking back up. I had extremely low iron stores, which caused the hair loss, but am now taking iron supplements. Also, I have an endocrinology exam next month because it appears that I may have endometriosis. I have all of the symptoms and so far tests support that diagnosis, but I'll know for sure next month. I'm a little nervous about how it will all shake out, but in the grand scheme of things, I am so grateful to be alive!

I'm looking forward to July, I got so much happening next month that I'm sure the month is going to fly right by. I'm headed to Belize...finally, July 10-17. I'm going to see India Arie in concert on July 21. I'm teaching Sabbath School at my former church July 20-31. Not to mention, there's the 4th of July activities, Taste of Chicago and other festivities around the city. I can't wait!

On another note, I've been working out like crazy, trying to get right for my 30th. I'll be embarking on a new chapter in just 8 short months and I want a new me to go with it. Gone are the excuses, the unfocused effort, the get slim quick schemes and overall lack of real courage to do it. It's time to get out of this shell (literally). Last month, I got fitted for proper running shoes. All I can say is..."it's the shoes, money! It's gotta be the shoes!"(c) Spike Lee. Having the right shoes has made a world of difference in my fitness aspirations. I can run! Who would have thought? All the while I thought the foot and shin pain I was experiencing meant I simply couldn't run. Oh no, I took my running shoes right into Fleetfeet and discovered that not only were they a half size to small, but the width was also too narrow. In a 45 minute fitting, I learned more than I ever imagined about my feet! I took those new running shoes right to the lakeside and walk/jogged 3.5 miles the first day! One day soon, I'll be able to run that whole distance. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Speaking of my 30th birthday. I have something so crazy special planned for myself. I've not told anyone about it, at least not the full extent of what it entails. However, I think about almost daily. It keeps me focused and motivated beyond belief. It's something that I never thought I would do, or at least something that people who really know me would ever think I'd do. I won't be able to show the full extent of it on the blog, but in February, once it's done, I'll post a peak.

Well that's it for now! I'll check in soon.

Brief rant...

One of these days, I will learn to stop expecting people to be anything other than who they are. My life is filled with family who truly love me, but are emotionally unavailable; and friends that care for me, yet are totally incapable of emotional support. Yet, at moments of despair, I turn to these people, only to be disappointed. Is that not the very essence of insanity? Sometimes, I get so worked up inside of my own thoughts and fears, that I can't talk to God and worse, can't clarity enough to hear from God. It's often a pretty lonely road.

The sun will rise soon. Too bad, I can't stay in bed until then.

Toronto...here I come!

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love to travel. I will get my money together and plan a trip in a heart beat. Traveling is fun, educational, relaxing and exhausting all at the same time; but I love it! Every chance I get, I try to travel to some place new. There's so much world out there and so little time to see and experience it all. I've been wound so tightly the past couple of months. Between work and the new home, most days I don't know whether I'm going or coming. I need a serious break. Unfortunately, the serious break won't come until later this year. I'm thinking London, Italy, Paris or Barcelona. Europe is truly calling out to me. For now though, a couple of mini excursions will have to do. This Easter weekend, I'm headed to Toronto for an all around good time, a little spa time, a bit of tourist time and a whole lot of party time. I plan to take in as much as I can during my brief stay. So Toronto, you better not let me down!!!

Today, my heart is burdened

Confused
Hurt
Empty
Anxious
Lost
Unsettled
Sad
Guilty
Tearful
Bereaved
Troubled
Numb
Heartbroken

A sixth grader at my school committed suicide last night. She was eleven.

Rest in peace baby girl.

Early morning babble

It's 4 am and I can't sleep.
I hate this.
I hate those nights I watch so much darn television or play around on the internet so long that I can't fall sleep.
I have a headache.
I'm sitting in my living room half watching a Law & Order rerun that I'm sure I've seen 100 times.
I've moved from scoping furniture on every department store website to shopping for hair care products.
Ok, I really have to do something about my hair.
End of the year stress took a serious toll, coupled with my laissez-faire attitude about upkeep, I've ended up with hair looking like who shot john and why they ain't kill em. (Belizeans know about John)
It's dry.
It's brittle.
It's breaking.
It's broken!
I have to do something about it ASAP!
I discovered a video blog on YouTube called Scandalous Beauty.
The blogger documents her natural hair journey.
I've been natural for 8.5 years.
I'm so glad I found the video because she offers so many tips on how to hydrate natural hair.
She also offers PRODUCT recommendations!
I love products and I love trying out new products.
While searching for the items SB recommends, I discovered iHerb.
It's an online health store.
All of the oils and shampoos SB recommends are available at iHerb, so of course I created an account.
Too bad they don't have a full online community.
I love social networking sites.
NOTE TO SELF: STOP joining social networking sites.
I've already filled up a basket on iHerb with $40+ worth of organic shampoos, conditioners and oils.
Hopefully, I'll have better luck with these products.
While I don't want to spend the money without more than a video blog rec, I have to do something.
I tried Carol's Daughter last year and $75 later, NADA!
These products are natural, organic, blah, blah blah.
Shit better work.
I'm buying everything right on down to prenatal vitamins to aid my cause.
So not pregnant!
We shall see.
Must rest now.

V-Day

Usually, I hate this day, but not so much this year and not for any particular reason other than I'm just feeling good.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Say it ain't so...

I like celeb gossip as much as the next person, but this just makes me ill. We don't yet know all of the details, but I'm hoping for the best. This just

Inauguration Pictures

It's Official...

I have a ticket to the inauguration. I'm headed to Washington D.C. on Sunday to see President Obama sworn in. I will try to mobile blog or post photos to facebook and myspace. If not, check back next week for the scoop.

A month to the day...

Hey there,

It's been a month since my last blog. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! It's 2009 and I'm so glad to be alive!!! I'm looking forward to an awesome year.

2008 was one of mixed emotions and after months of a dismal existence in that latter quarter, I made it to home on a high note. I'm moving forward into this year one step at a time. I know I won't be solely batting softballs, but I'm readying myself for fast balls and curve balls. I may have to switch hit a bit, but I plan on being ready and able. (Not sure where I got all of those baseball references?)

So much has happened in the past month that's kept me away from blogging, but I'm back and ready to divulge.

I bought a condo. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am to be in my own space. Free to be or not be and live how I please, while building a little equity in the process. The economy has been in such as slump (surely, you've not noticed *smile*) that it's a buyers market right now. I got a great deal on a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 balcony, 1 deck, separate kitchen and dining room condo with hardwood floors and an exposed brick wall. If it sounds lovely, it's because it is. I'm overjoyed to have found this place. It's a major step for me and I feel good about it--genuinely good. That said, it hasn't been without some obstacles--ups and downs along the way. You can read about those here on my second blog. I created this blog just to gush/complain/whine/muse...whatever you want to call it about my home. I'm not abandoning this blog. In fact, I plan to blog with greater regularity here, but all things home related will be here for the next 6 months or so. Or, until the newness of it all wears off. :)

It's been a stressful few months. I started the home buying process in mid October and on December 5th, I closed on my place. I looked at 12 condos and the last one I saw was it. I knew it the moment I walked in. It was beyond anything I could have imagined for myself, a single woman or as a first place. I like that I have room and options to expand and grow right here. I have a master suite to myself complete with a bathroom and balcony. I have a second bedroom to use as guestroom. I have about as many friends outside of Chicago as I do in Chicago. I'm excited to finally be able to host them comfortably. Friends that want to visit Chicago for longer than a weekend can do so and sleep on a real bed, in a room with a door free of charge. I'm so happy to ope my door to friends and family.

I have a third bedroom which is now my office/library. It's the only room in the place that I've managed to get semi together. My desk and bookcase are arranged arranged nicely. My new all-in-one printer is set up and ready to do the job. Getting this space together is such a big deal to me for many reasons.

First I want to finagle my way into working from home one or two morning a week. I'm falling behind at work because I've become the "go to" person for almost everything non-fiscal. I could use a morning or two a week to just catch up or get ahead with emails, organizing and other projects. Now that I live 5 minutes a way from work, it's makes a lot of sense and it's feasible.

Secondly, I've made many contacts in the education and nonprofit world over the past four years. It's time I get myself some consulting work. Not only would I welcome the extra income, but I need some flexibility and a means to up my professional profile. For the most part, I like working in education, but there is so much more to learn and do. I think consulting would help expose me to other areas and opportunities.

Third, I want a comfortable space to write. I'm in my third quarter of the creative writing class that I started in the summer. I actually have a real project going, a novel. I want to complete, by the end of this year, a draft of it. I'm not going to enroll in a fourth quarter yet, so that I can focus on writing. I plan to have something substantial to workshop come Fall.

Now, I just have to get myself unpacked and decorated. I still have a long way to go before it looks the way I want it to, but I'm fending off daily, my anxiety about it. I just have to remember that settling in to a new place takes times and before I know it, I'll have it together.

Dr. Suess had it right all along...

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
Intentionally focusing my mindset on finding the positive in all things has truly helped me over the past couple of weeks. I found moments of peace, clarity and profound joy out of the ashes of several months of feeling miserable, for lack of a better word. I faced several obstacles, nothing wildly out of the ordinary, but challenging nonetheless.

I couldn't quite put my finger on why some things were happening, but I knew why I was frustrated. I was able to recognize that there was a lesson to be learned in the very field I kept circling. I tapped into my God center and before certain situations got the better of me or I said something or did something I couldn't take back, I took action. I knew that it wasn't God's will for me to be living and feeling the way I had been in recent months. When change got underway, I learned several things:

1. I stress a lot, unnecessarily even.
2. I can't change others. I can only change me.
3. I can't worry about the decisions of others. I can only make the best and most informed decisions for me.
4. It's easy to be reactionary, far more difficult to be proactive and forward thinking.
5. I absolutely have to speak up when I believe an action to be wrong, if for no other reason than my personal sanity.

I'm grateful to be climbing out of this particular valley and moving forward to a place of new hope, healing and happiness, even if it is ripe with new obstacles. God's timing, much like His grace is immeasurable.

R.I.P.

Odetta
December 31, 1930 – December 2, 2008
http://www.workers.org/print.php

Thank You God...

Yes We Did!

Barack Obama
November 4, 2008
44th President of the United States

The worst is confirmed...

Jennifer Hudson family case: New details emerge about possible motive
By Angela Rozas, David Heinzmann and Robert Mitchum
Tribune reporters (6:36 AM CDT, October 28, 2008)

Jennifer Hudson stood again in the Cook County medical examiner's office Monday afternoon, clutching the hands of loved ones as they identified the body of yet another slain relative—her 7-year-old nephew, Julian.

Even before family members arrived at the morgue, they had been told that the three-day search for the 2nd grader had ended when his body was found slumped in the back seat of an SUV parked on a West Side street. Amid visibly shaken family members in the medical examiner's office, Hudson bowed her head as if in prayer, then looked up.

"Yes, that's him," she told medical examiner officials as the family stood with her in an adjoining room and looked at a video monitor showing the boy's face.

The toll was inescapable: The Oscar-winning actress had lost her mother, her brother and now her nephew to a murderous rampage.

Even as the family gathered to answer one painful question, police searched the Chevrolet Suburban to answer others.

Officers questioned William Balfour, 27, the estranged husband of Julian's mother, Friday night, but he stopped talking when police suggested he take a polygraph test, law-enforcement sources said. Balfour has not been charged in the slayings.

Although the sources say Balfour remains the focus of the investigation, the motive remains murky. Police say there have been ongoing disputes between him and his estranged wife, Julia Hudson, and her family.

Hudson's mother and brother had thrown him out of their Englewood house in the past, sources said. Julia Hudson also told police that Balfour had threatened the family. A source said Balfour told Julia Hudson he would kill her if he found out she had a boyfriend, despite the fact that he had other girlfriends.

In another incident, sources said, Julia Hudson arrived Friday morning at Sunrise Bus Co. on payday and discovered her wages had been garnished because of unpaid car payments. Sources said Balfour had taken her car months earlier but promised to make the payments on the vehicle. After seeing her pay stub, Julia Hudson called Balfour to complain about the unpaid bills, sources said.

Police believe that Balfour went to the Hudson family home Friday and shot through the front door, striking Hudson's brother, Jason. Hudson's mother, Darnell Donerson, came into the living room, screaming, and Balfour shot her as well, sources said. Shell casings were also found in the child's room, but there were no bullet holes or other signs of violence there. Much of the account of what police believe happened that day came from an interview with a girlfriend of Balfour's, sources said.

The sources also said Balfour's girlfriend contradicted his alibi and told police that he was involved in the slayings.

Police have not ruled out the possibility that more than one person was involved, though Supt. Jody Weis said Monday that Balfour was currently their only "person of interest."

On Sunday morning, officials transferred Balfour to Stateville Correctional Center, saying that because he was a suspect in the slayings, he violated conditions of parole for a 1999 conviction for attempted murder.

Over the weekend, the city scoured the area near the first shooting scene and a grid east of where the boy eventually was found. Officers and volunteers taped missing-person posters up in area shops, and vigils were held in Englewood.

But Julian was found Monday morning on the West Side after a tiny dog named Li'l Man howled and barked at an unfamiliar white SUV parked in the 1300 block of South Kolin Avenue.

The Chihuahua's reaction drew the attention of his owner, John Louden. The SUV matched the description of one police had sought in the killings since Friday. It remains unclear if police had canvassed the block, but some neighbors say they had seen the SUV since Friday. But no one called police before Monday.

Louden, 75, went inside and told his wife, Lynnette. Neighbors said the pace of drug dealing nearby often brought strange cars to the block. But when the Loudens saw the Suburban's license-plate number appear on television, Lynnette Louden called 911.

"The first thing I thought was," she said, " 'Lord, don't let the baby be in there.' "

But he was.

Julian was found slumped over in the back seat of the Suburban, shot in the head. A bullet was found lodged in the vehicle, leading detectives to believe he had been shot in the vehicle. Police don't know precisely when he was killed, saying they are waiting for more information from the medical examiner's office. Police are hoping to find physical evidence at the two crime scenes that breaks the case.

A prayer service was held for the three slain family members in Pleasant Gift Missionary Baptist Church, where one of Hudson's cousins is a minister.

And on the block where the shootings happened near 70th Street and Yale Avenue, about 100 friends and strangers gathered for a candlelight vigil of song and prayer Monday evening.

Surrounded by stuffed animals, balloons and posters that had grown throughout the day, the crowd sang Jennifer Hudson's song "Spotlight."

Tribune reporters Liam Ford, Jeff Long, Azam Ahmed, Emma Graves Fitzsimmons, Stacy St. Clair, Jeff Coen, Dan P. Blake and James Janega contributed to this report.