Full-figured dilemna...

For those who know me and/or have ever seen me, you know that I have rather large boobies. For years I struggled to find the right sports bra, only to resign myself to doubling up on two of Lane Bryant's version of a sports bra. I refer to them as LB's version, because what they sell is really just a wireless, cotton/jersey blend knock off. They have the look of a sports bra, just without the support for any kind of extensive aerobic/athletic activity.

Surprising, huh? Well, it shouldn't be.

I've long been a harsh critic of LB and other like stores (ex: The Avenue, Catherine's, Ashley Stewart). In fact, I've all together stopped shopping at these stores and not just because I've lost 34.5 lbs to date (shameless plug, yes I know, but it's my blog). I've stopped shopping at these stores because I'm convinced they just don't understand full-figured bodies and are skewed in their vision of what compliments a full-figured body.

First, there is the "all or all" design of the clothing. All or all is the assumption that if you have large thighs, you automatically have wide hips, big legs and a ginormous ass accompanying it. Or similarly, if you have big boobs, you must have the shoulders of a linebacker, huge arms and a protruding gut. This isn't always the case. In fact, many of my full-figured friends and co-workers are quite shapely and well proportioned. Those same people, also don't shop at these stores for this exact reason.

Second, there is the "middle age" designs. Just because a woman isn't a size 6, doesn't mean she should like a 50-year-old size 16. I'll admit, LB and other stores have a come a long way from their late 80's, early 90's days of elastic waist pants, floral prints and primary colors suited best for the 65 and older crowd. However, they still have a distance ahead of them. I'm glad they know full-figured women aren't just grannies. Now, I need them to understand we aren't all middle-aged either.

Third, "junior plus" clothing is an abomination. There, I said it. You find junior plus designs at Ashley Stewart, Torrid and many larger department stores. I'm sorry, but the the answer to making a young full-figured woman look young and trendy, isn't to make "tween" or "teen" styles in a 14+. There is nothing worse than a 30-year-old woman looking like a plus-sized Miley Cyrus.

The state of clothing options for full-figured women is upsetting. It speaks volumes to the fashion industry's unwillingness to embrace "FAT". I'm so sick of the "pacify it with inferior clothes" mentality that underlies our clothing options. All of the statistics I've read state that over 30% of Americans are obese, over 65% of Americans are overweight and the average woman is a size 14. Why then are clothes designed with some questionable 5% in mind?

Where are the well-made clothes for full-figured women in their late 20's to early 30's; or do I have pull out my sewing machine and take a few courses?

Down one-half and not looking back

Oh yes, I've made it to the one-half mark on my weight loss journey. I'm down 33 lbs! Only 33 lbs left to go. There really is no stopping me. I'm looking good and feeling GREAT!

I'm so on target to reach my 8-9 lbs loss for this month that all of the work I've been putting in seems effortless. October really will be my biggest weight loss month to date. I proclaimed it last month and I am claiming this month. So far, I've lost 6 lbs and still have well over a week to go before month's end.

Though I haven't been as diligent about sticking to my October Manifesto, I've definitely been careful about my diet. I've allowed myself to enjoy a few beers and a few meals out without over-indulging. And that, is a big part of what this journey has been about...learning to not over-indulge. I am so proud of myself!

One of my high school/college friends who's big into fitness has been instrumental (via email and web chat) in getting me to this next level. Her advice, support and overall encouragement got me over brief plateaus and frustrations. When we first reconnected, she told me that there would come a point when it would all be second nature to me; the exercise, the nutrition and just the general desire to be healthy. She was right. I think I've finally moved from "diet mode" to "healthy lifestyle" and now there's no turning back.

I've met and exceeded all, but one of my mini goals. I am now 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started high school. I may have been an overweight teen, but I am now on cruise control as I make my way to being a healthy adult.

October Manifesto...

In keeping with my desire to make October the month that I will lose the greatest amount of weight to date, I've decided to write a brief manifesto. My goal for October is to lose 8-9 lbs, to greatly surpass my 6.8 lb August lost and my 5.2 lb September lost. I know that I can do it, but I also know that I have to make some serious changes to my diet and workout to get to the next level.

So, on this, the last day of September, I declare that during the month of October I will:

1. refrain from drinking any type of alcoholic beverage.

2. cut back on my processed sugars. (i.e. no cupcakes, cookies, brownies, chocolate, fruit juices, sodas or any other products with added sugar or sugar substitutes)

3. run at intervals twice a week, no skipping.

4. cut back eating out 6 meals a month to 4 meals for the month.

5. not weigh myself more than once a week on Tuesdays, as required by my tri-team weight loss challenge.

There you have it. It's going to be a tough month, but I am ready for the challenge.

This made my day...

One-third down...

It's official, I've passed the one-third mark (21.9 lbs) on my 65.8 lb weight loss journey. To date, I've lost 25.6 lbs. I'm floored by my own steady progress, but know that I've done the work. I've remained focused and determined to have success this time around and it's paying off.

As September comes to a close, my mind is already thinking about October's course of action. I'm going hard in October. My goal is to make October my biggest weight loss month. In August, I lost 6.8 lbs. So far this month, I'm down 4.6 lbs with 5 days left until month's end. My goal for October is to say goodbye to another 8-9 lbs. I've put it out there and plan to work my butt off to make it happen.

As for my mini goals. I've crossed another one off my list.

I'm only 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started college.
I now weigh .8 lbs less than I did the day I started college.

I'm only 9 lbs away from being the weight I was when I graduated from high school.
I am now 2.2 lbs away from being the weight I was the day I graduated from high school.

I'm on my way to uncharted territory, a place that I never thought I'd come close to ever again in life. In fact, I never wanted to come near this place again because of the deep embarrassment that was an open wound for a very long time. It seems so strange to type this, as I've never told anyone, and now, I'm putting it out into cyberspace.

Here goes...

When I started high school in 1994, I was 14, awkward and obviously overweight. On the very first day of my JROTC class (yes, I wanted to enlist in the army after high school) my class sergeant weighed each student in the class and announced our weight to the entire class. As the only overweight student in the class, I was mortified. I wanted to crawl under a bus and hide forever. I don't remember how I got past it, but I did. Somehow, I persevered.

Today at 29, I'm now 13.2 lbs away from being that weight again. However, the big difference this time is that I know it's only a temporary stop on much greater destination. It doesn't hold the same power over me as it once did. I'm ready to tackle it and move on.

Look out remaining 40.2 lbs. I'm in attack mode. I'm cleaning house and you don't stand a chance.

Not a good look, Serena...

Though I understand Serena's frustration and I agree that the line judge's call was erroneous, she behaved badly. I was embarrassed for her. Sometimes, you just have to accept defeat graciously. Every wrong won't be made right, but throwing a tantrum, only makes it worst. Unfortunately, she was outplayed.

Birds flying high, you know how I feel...

Oh yeah...

At the rate of this turning into a blog documenting my weight loss (not that I really care), I just have to share some more good news.

You might remember (or just click here) for the blog I wrote on August 13; I was so excited about how close I was to reaching a set of mini goals. Well, I can proudly say, I've surpassed the first two goals on that list.

I'm only 1.2 lbs away celebrating losing 20 lbs.
To date, I've lost 23.6 lbs.

I'm only 2.8 lbs away from being the weight I was the day I graduated from college.
I'm now exactly 2.8 lbs lighter than I was when I graduated from college.

As for my other two goals:

I'm only 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started college.
I'm just 1.2 lbs away from meeting this goal.

I'm only 9 lbs away from being the weight I was when I graduated from high school.
I'm just 4.2 lbs away.

As excited as I am for my steady progress, I am even more excited that I can do things that I wasn't able to do before (or maybe was just too fearful to try). When I first embarked on this healthy lifestyle over a year ago, I joined a women's gym and became a "gym rat". I went frequently. I did simple cardio. I participated in a bunch of fitness classes. I even met with the fitness coaches for monthly assessments. Yet, I wasn't making much progress. I had no clue what I was really doing, how or why.

Back then, I was so uncomfortable in my body. You couldn't have paid me to get on a treadmill and do anything more than a brisk walk. I got frustrated easily at my lack of progress and fed up with being stalled. Eventually, I moved and just stopped going. Looking back, those two things were probably the best thing to have happened to me.

Today, I'm at a co-ed gym chock-full of athletic types, competitors, beauty queens and muscle men, yet I feel right at home getting my workout in. I joke about skinny girls getting onto treadmills next to me running for 60 minutes at a 10.0, but I'm no longer intimidated by it. I'm no longer embarrassed about what I can or can't do. I'm not worried about them. I'm focused on me and the fact that my endurance is building. I'm able to push myself to run longer and faster every week or so.

I'm running!!!!!

I feel so much better about myself and my future. Some of the muscle guys even give me head nods when they see me. I'm there...a lot :-)

I've dropped 23.6 lbs of my 65.8 lb goal. Having only 42.2 lbs to go is so surreal and motivating. Dropping the weight feels like I'm digging my way out of a tunnel. I still have quite a bit of digging to do, but I'm one-third of the way there. I can see the light at the end. Though I know the rest of the way won't be easy, I am more confident than ever before.

If there is one thing I've learned over the past 18 months it's this: sometimes the journey is just as important, if not moreso than the destination. I can't wait to reach the finish line, but I'm grateful for the changes I feel and see in myself.

It's official...

my jeans are too big, every single pair. My waist doesn't look like the woman's in the picture above [yet], but my jeans have some serious saggage going on between the legs, in the rear and yes...around the waist. I worked hard for it in August, like you wouldn't believe. I clocked almost 300 cardio minutes and 90+ strength training minutes each week. I was a beast about my workouts and it paid off. I dropped 6.8 lbs and 1% body fat in August alone. And since I'm in such a braggadocios mood, trainer at the gym said to me this morning [rather emphatically, I might add] as I was busting my butt doing abdominal leg crossovers on a bosu ball [yes, they are as difficult to do as they sound] you are losing inches. Me: really? Her: Yes, around your waist [complete with wide eyes and affirmative head nod]. I grinned from ear to ear as I resolved to slay September. It's on!

Watch out bitches...I'm coming!!!!

Because I love this song...

Blaque - 808 - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Sometimes, I need a reminder...

The 6 stages of Change...

For longer than I care to admit, I've been stuck in a valley of uncertainty. Sure, over the past 9 months, I've made great strides in my personal goals. I wanted a home, so I bought one. I wanted to lose weight, so I embarked on a healthy lifestyle and have been successful to date.

However, as satisfying as these achievements have been, I've not been able to shake the feeling that something is missing. I routinely feel a small, yet pervasive longing for "more", for "new", for "different". I bore easily! I always have and I suspect I always will. I have vague pieces of the puzzle floating in my head of what I think "more" is, but not enough pieces to see a clear image.

Over the past year or so, I've been perched firmly on the "ledge" of indecision. According to the chart above, what I've really been doing is teetering between precontemplation and contemplation, afraid to take a step forward, until this past Saturday.

On Saturday, I took one small step forward and put myself out there. I was tired of being tired. Well, yesterday, I received an email that instantly catapulted from contemplation to preparation. I'm not claiming anything yet, other than I'm glad to have stepped off the ledge. Even if this one doesn't work out, the door opened and I walked through it. There's no turning back for me, not now.

Radical change awaits me. More to come...

I'm proud to be woman!

Catching up...

It's been months since I blogged. I hate when I backslide on doing something I actually enjoy...writing about the ups and downs of my life. There's not much to report, other than I'm still happily on the healthy lifestyle kick.

Over the past couple of months, I've had more ups than downs with my diet and exercise and have been trucking along with great consistency. I'm happy with myself. I wish my progress was moving a little faster, but it's moving. I'm so grateful for all that I've been learning about weight loss, my personal journey and much needed lessons about patience. I love that I feel myself growing closer to the goal line each day. I know when I reach it, it's going to be the sweetest victory.

Two things have sustained me over the past couple of months. First, I've inundated myself with fitness information, websites, blogs, magazines, pictures, etc. I've even made twitter acquaintances with fitness experts. By educating myself, I stay motivated to keep on track. I make smarter decisions about exercise and definitely wiser choices about my food.

Second, I've set a range of mini goals that lets me celebrate victories more often. I no longer have to "weight" for 5 or 10 lbs losses to celebrate. Now, I can pat myself on the back every pound or two, because those losses have other significant meanings for me. More than anything, these layered goals have forced me to really challenge myself and push harder.

Since May, I've lost 8 lbs. I still have a ways to go, but with my layered goals, I'm constantly celebrate a new achievement. To date:

I'm only 1.2 lbs away celebrating losing 20 lbs.
I'm only 2.8 lbs away from being the weight I was the day I graduated from college.
I'm only 6 lbs away from being the weight I was when I started college.
I'm only 9 lbs away from being the weight I was when I graduated from high school.

I know this may all sound a bit silly, but just a year and half ago, weight loss seemed impossible. I was miserably overweight, bumbling around in the gym without a clue. I never thought I'd see my college weight again and I could not have imagined that I'd be less than 10 lbs away from my high school graduation weight. As someone who has eaten aimlessly and shamelessly most of my life, this is a tremendous feat.

As I reach these goals, others just like it, and even still having a great distance ahead of me, weight loss no longer feels like the unreachable reach! It's no longer some elusive tango between my brain and my actions. It's finally real! I'm looking forward to a better life. I'm pushing myself harder with every workout. I'm focused...not only on the destination, but also on the journey.

My weight may not define me, but I can define my weight. I have something to prove...TO MYSELF!

This is the Michael Jackson I choose to remember.

Rest In Peace
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Been so long...

I'm missin' ya baby. (c) Anita Baker

Seriously, I've been away much too long. Life has been one sweet ride over the past two months. It's been crazy busy, but admittedly, I kinda like busy. I like being engaged in stuff.

I've had some minor hiccups in the road, but what else is new? Who manages to exist without obstacles? Better yet, is a life without obstacles and setbacks a life worth living? I.M.H.O. I think not!

The house is coming along nicely. I'm on my condo board, so I am super plugged in to all that we have going on and not going on. Living cooperatively is some serious business...especially when everyone ain't cooperating. Feel me? Overall, I'm loving being a homeowner and really looking forward to seeing my neighborhood grow and thrive. We have some rough patches, unfinished developments, couple of boarded homes and looming foreclosures, but hey...we're in a recession. Times are truly tough for everyone. I hope all those who have been deeply affected by the economic downturn are prayerful and believing that their situations will only get better.

My mom is visiting me for the summer. She arrived right after mother's day and is staying through the first couple of weeks in August. At first I was real nervous about the extended stay. It's been almost 10 years since we lived under one roof for longer than two weeks. So far, we've gotten on each others' nerves, but I've realized so much in having her stay with me.
- I do love her very much.
- Though she habits that annoy the hell out of me, I enjoy her company.
- She is the most well intentioned person I know.
- I've really missed her cooking.
- She actually has a good sense of humor.
- She can organize the hell out of a home.
So, though she has weeks to go before she returns to Los Angeles, I'm certain I'll miss her when she goes.

On the health front, my hair is slowly picking back up. I had extremely low iron stores, which caused the hair loss, but am now taking iron supplements. Also, I have an endocrinology exam next month because it appears that I may have endometriosis. I have all of the symptoms and so far tests support that diagnosis, but I'll know for sure next month. I'm a little nervous about how it will all shake out, but in the grand scheme of things, I am so grateful to be alive!

I'm looking forward to July, I got so much happening next month that I'm sure the month is going to fly right by. I'm headed to Belize...finally, July 10-17. I'm going to see India Arie in concert on July 21. I'm teaching Sabbath School at my former church July 20-31. Not to mention, there's the 4th of July activities, Taste of Chicago and other festivities around the city. I can't wait!

On another note, I've been working out like crazy, trying to get right for my 30th. I'll be embarking on a new chapter in just 8 short months and I want a new me to go with it. Gone are the excuses, the unfocused effort, the get slim quick schemes and overall lack of real courage to do it. It's time to get out of this shell (literally). Last month, I got fitted for proper running shoes. All I can say is..."it's the shoes, money! It's gotta be the shoes!"(c) Spike Lee. Having the right shoes has made a world of difference in my fitness aspirations. I can run! Who would have thought? All the while I thought the foot and shin pain I was experiencing meant I simply couldn't run. Oh no, I took my running shoes right into Fleetfeet and discovered that not only were they a half size to small, but the width was also too narrow. In a 45 minute fitting, I learned more than I ever imagined about my feet! I took those new running shoes right to the lakeside and walk/jogged 3.5 miles the first day! One day soon, I'll be able to run that whole distance. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Speaking of my 30th birthday. I have something so crazy special planned for myself. I've not told anyone about it, at least not the full extent of what it entails. However, I think about almost daily. It keeps me focused and motivated beyond belief. It's something that I never thought I would do, or at least something that people who really know me would ever think I'd do. I won't be able to show the full extent of it on the blog, but in February, once it's done, I'll post a peak.

Well that's it for now! I'll check in soon.

Brief rant...

One of these days, I will learn to stop expecting people to be anything other than who they are. My life is filled with family who truly love me, but are emotionally unavailable; and friends that care for me, yet are totally incapable of emotional support. Yet, at moments of despair, I turn to these people, only to be disappointed. Is that not the very essence of insanity? Sometimes, I get so worked up inside of my own thoughts and fears, that I can't talk to God and worse, can't clarity enough to hear from God. It's often a pretty lonely road.

The sun will rise soon. Too bad, I can't stay in bed until then.

Toronto...here I come!

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love to travel. I will get my money together and plan a trip in a heart beat. Traveling is fun, educational, relaxing and exhausting all at the same time; but I love it! Every chance I get, I try to travel to some place new. There's so much world out there and so little time to see and experience it all. I've been wound so tightly the past couple of months. Between work and the new home, most days I don't know whether I'm going or coming. I need a serious break. Unfortunately, the serious break won't come until later this year. I'm thinking London, Italy, Paris or Barcelona. Europe is truly calling out to me. For now though, a couple of mini excursions will have to do. This Easter weekend, I'm headed to Toronto for an all around good time, a little spa time, a bit of tourist time and a whole lot of party time. I plan to take in as much as I can during my brief stay. So Toronto, you better not let me down!!!

Today, my heart is burdened

Confused
Hurt
Empty
Anxious
Lost
Unsettled
Sad
Guilty
Tearful
Bereaved
Troubled
Numb
Heartbroken

A sixth grader at my school committed suicide last night. She was eleven.

Rest in peace baby girl.

Early morning babble

It's 4 am and I can't sleep.
I hate this.
I hate those nights I watch so much darn television or play around on the internet so long that I can't fall sleep.
I have a headache.
I'm sitting in my living room half watching a Law & Order rerun that I'm sure I've seen 100 times.
I've moved from scoping furniture on every department store website to shopping for hair care products.
Ok, I really have to do something about my hair.
End of the year stress took a serious toll, coupled with my laissez-faire attitude about upkeep, I've ended up with hair looking like who shot john and why they ain't kill em. (Belizeans know about John)
It's dry.
It's brittle.
It's breaking.
It's broken!
I have to do something about it ASAP!
I discovered a video blog on YouTube called Scandalous Beauty.
The blogger documents her natural hair journey.
I've been natural for 8.5 years.
I'm so glad I found the video because she offers so many tips on how to hydrate natural hair.
She also offers PRODUCT recommendations!
I love products and I love trying out new products.
While searching for the items SB recommends, I discovered iHerb.
It's an online health store.
All of the oils and shampoos SB recommends are available at iHerb, so of course I created an account.
Too bad they don't have a full online community.
I love social networking sites.
NOTE TO SELF: STOP joining social networking sites.
I've already filled up a basket on iHerb with $40+ worth of organic shampoos, conditioners and oils.
Hopefully, I'll have better luck with these products.
While I don't want to spend the money without more than a video blog rec, I have to do something.
I tried Carol's Daughter last year and $75 later, NADA!
These products are natural, organic, blah, blah blah.
Shit better work.
I'm buying everything right on down to prenatal vitamins to aid my cause.
So not pregnant!
We shall see.
Must rest now.